Comments by wilted
- "This sent shivers down my spine. The way the last line references the first line completes the poem beautifully - highlights the pointlessness of the incident, and raises the question, is nothing really an escape? You walked through all of the questions the mind can't wrap its head around. In times like the one you write about, those thoughts are a mess, but you clean them up and make them into something beautiful, something true, something anyone who has lost someone to their own hand can relate to. Really touching write."
Posted by wilted on "Anniversary" by Beautiful Incidental
- "Abate... one of those words that gets stuck in my head for months at a time. The enjambment in this is wonderful. Gives the poem a definite rhythm, which is great. Overall, though, it seems a bit rushed, as if you were writing it in the middle of an anguished time. The first stanza is marvelous, with great imagery and word choice. The rest seems to peter out, content wise, as you let your hatred and anger control you. Indeed, it is as if you have lost control over that which is tameless. However, the rhythm is just so wonderful, I couldn't possibly make any suggestions for improvement. No, I think I like it as it is - a joining of form and content. Nice work."
Posted by wilted on "Abate" by Virgils Vigil
- "There's flow in this all right. I can see your point, though. The third stanza is different than the others, makes me stumble a bit when reading. However, since it's about those "insidiously small" insects, I do believe it works. It make sense that it would be smaller, shorter, quicker to get through. And ooh, the fourth stanza, "At dusk dusts doom shall scatter," quite the tongue twister. And such a wonderful sound throughout. Nice work."
Posted by wilted on "Reaping Of Your Innocence" by Virgils Vigil
- "I believe I've commented on these before, when they were each their own work, but I would feel remiss if I didn't comment again. You are the master of the four line poem. I want these written all over my walls, to bask in their glory from day to day. To read them, over and over again as I drift off to sleep. To wake each morning, seeing your words, which are the sweet reminders of the bitter moments of our lives."
Posted by wilted on "the short & bittersweet collection " by RhymeBound
- "You're making me nervous with all of these posts about killers. So realistic. You have a way with capturing the darker side of the world. That second stanza is amazing. "Slithering, snakelike..." I have a soft spot for well placed alliteration. And internal rhyme! Yes! "Drifting, shifting, like some/ Black stink of destruction and death." The final line seems to be a bit anticlimactic, but I rather like that. Leaves the reader no choice but to read the whole thing over again to get what was really going on. To ponder over who (or perhaps more appropriately, what) this killer really is. Nice work. Welcome to DP, good sir."
Posted by wilted on "Black Death" by colmint
- "Wow. I clung to your words. A very fascinating trip into the escapades of a killer. You had me at "Deep shadows, a myriad/ of places to lurk." Wonderful opening. The last line of the second stanza "just that she be alone, is all I crave," is a bit awkward and skews the flow. Perhaps play around with wording in that one: "All that I crave is that she be alone." Or even just leave it at "Just that she be alone," since it's kind of a given that the narrator craves it. Up to you. With a little revision, this could be marvelous. Nice work."
Posted by wilted on "Deadly Hobby" by colmint
- "Great imagery and strong emotion - painful piece for the reader as well as the writer, I'm sure. My suggestion is to revise and fix those few typos to make sure nothing detracts from the feel of the poem. Otherwise, nice work."
Posted by wilted on "Hand in My Hand" by Dragonfly
- "The repetition of the first and last lines, yet slightly altered in such a way creates a nice feeling of completeness -- like bookends. Every line in between is perfection. The flow, the rhythm, the diction, it's all very well put together. The imagery of the strawberry creates a sweet and sexy feel. This is like the sourpatch kids of poetry. Very nice write."
Posted by wilted on "Strawberry" by Khantradiction
- "I love how the exact meaning is mysterious. With my wild imagination, I'm considering so many things it could be. It's wonderful. I love anything that makes me think. The poem overall is very simple, but very striking. The layout is eye catching, the repetition is fitting, and the words flow very well. Nice write."
Posted by wilted on "Hold On" by Gray Vision
- "What a refreshing read. It's so wonderful when you work so hard to look back and realize what you've achieved, to find it's actually something. And now you are happy where you are. Wonderful. Good feelings emanated from this piece, put a smile on my face. Nice write."
Posted by wilted on "Dreamwork" by Kittykat
- "This is well done. From the idea of the mirror to the repetition of all. To include "all" so much, it gives the impression that everything, all of it is gone. And the idea of the mirror gives a sense of reflection, as well as a seeking of answers from within. Yet, sometimes even the mirror doesn't have the answers. Nice write."
Posted by wilted on "Rock Bottom" by Gray Vision
- "At least when you're on a hook, you're led forward and you never get the chance to go backwards. It's forcing you to have courage, in a way. Just keep hoping you won't be big enough to keep."
Posted by wilted on "Moving on" by Shadows_onthe_RoAd
- "This touched me as I feel I am the other side of this circumstance at the moment. It's nice to see things from a different perspective. The reiteration of "If you could see what I see" is good. Especially considering I have heard these words exactly. Nice write."
Posted by wilted on "See What I See" by Black_Cherry_Doll_
- "I held my breath the entire time I read this. Your words are captivating. The beginning drew me in, for often have I ignored sleep for the sake of pondering our beginnings, or the purpose of our existence, or other such things. Then your words continue and it's almost like a blurring together of everything familiar to us all, but they've become so contorted that we can no longer recognize them. "still the echoes wait to be catalogued" is quite an intriguing end. Nice write."
Posted by wilted on "Shuddering Existance" by steuss
- ""It's no fun when it's you, now run!" What a great ending. It's interesting to see the perspective of the killer. That point of view is often so ignored. Yet, you make it relatable with the last line, making the reader think "wait, no, it wouldn't be fun..." Nice write. "
Posted by wilted on "For the pig I dig!" by just breath
- "Why was "her" "hair" bright red? Maybe I've been out of "the scene" for too long... In any case, this really could be a poem about a girl. Almost thought it was until you shared her with friends. I like your subtlety, it adds a hint of mystery and trickiness. And you took "her" to Thanksgiving dinner... tisk, tisk. Put a smile on my face. Nice write."
Posted by wilted on "Green Eyes" by uptillsunrise
- "You are absolutely amazing at these types of poems. Just funny enough without being ridiculous, very true, fun, and enjoyable. And you never miss a beat in your flow. Nice write."
Posted by wilted on "I Call Him Dog" by Malcholm Dark
- "Very simple, but still a captivating story. You paint a really vivid picture. By no means is it beautiful, but you capture well the grunge and grime of the area. Your flow is flawless, certainly a very smooth read. Nice write."
Posted by wilted on "Makin it home" by uptillsunrise
- "I've been on a wicked Bukowski binge lately and his words come to mind when I read this:
"if I have any advice about writing
"Like calling cancer a sneeze." Oh how true it is. I think we've all been there. And it's terrible. And you've summed it up nicely. See? If you just give it a shot you can write something, even if it's about how you can't write anything. Nicely done. And remember... you find inspiration in the strangest places, you just have to be patient."
Posted by wilted on "A Loss For Words?" by Musik2MyEyes