I'm Happy Now

I used to believe we were meant to be.
And that the stars lightened just for us.
That hands were held in our honor.
That I would spend eternity quoting to you
"I love you"

Our hearts slowly died away.
Becoming dead inside leaving us to fade.
I thought my life depended on yours.
That my happiness only came with you.

But, you weren't my everythings.
You weren't the air I breathed so pain-stakingly.
Each day I survived it was because I wanted to
live.  I didn't want to live for us.

Not for you.
I began to slowly hate.
The way you spoke to me.
The way you said you'd touch me.
The way you spoke of our future.
As if I my opinions and voice never
existed.

Maybe, I did love you.
Maybe something was there.
So long ago.
Like a distant ache that is only
remembered when pierced into thought.

My heart felt something then.
Something that made me crazed.
Delusional.
Stark-raving mad.

I spoke about how you were perfection.
When I was holding your flaws behind my
back, tucking them between the chains you
clamped on my wrists.

I was to be your slave.
To be caged.
Entrapped within your grasp.
My heart healed the damage.
Every single moment you told me I wasn't
worth it.

I'm slowly mending the scars.
Erasing them into nothingness.
You are becoming a memory.
A bitter memory that only strikes
when I think of my miseries.

It makes me laugh.
How I pined over you.
Cried when songs came on
because of you.

That I tore my self-esteem into
shambles and became someone
I never thought existed.

But, my back-bone has healed.
No longer do my knees tremble.
No longer does my heart suddenly ache.
You made me long a monster.
Someone I really wanted to love.

But, you were secretly destroying me.
Like a jester playing a cruel joke.
Like a fool I followed you.
Blindly, deaf.

Hoping you would save me.
Sometimes I think of you.
Sometimes when his arms are around
me and his rough voice is whispering
his love yous.

Sometimes I get that inescapable
ache in my heart that you broke me.
Tore me until I was unrecognizable.



But, now I'm happy.
In love.
My eyes are glowing.
My heart is soaring.

My voice is loud and clear.
I am heard once again.
Human once again.

Maybe, once I loved you.
Perhaps long ago twice.
As if my heart would explode.
And the world revolved around you.

You were a delusion.
Tainted and foul.

Somehow I managed to escape.
Somehow I managed to be completed.

I think I loved you once.
But, I'm not certain it was real.