2009-08-05 Journal Entry
And excerpt from "The Letters I could never sent" though of course this one I am (shhhh, its a secret)
My Dearest Jason, Oh what a night! And on the morning (mourning) I was baptized...significant? Perhaps.
You say now I can relax; now that I've told you that I love you. The very first time I have even uttered the words aloud. Words and ways I haven't felt in so long... But I AM terrified. So scared because every man I have ever loved I have broken and I have lost. Bearing the wounds I create while clinging. Why? It hurts so bad, and I know you'd say not to think negative. That there is a chance that we wont end, miserable or any like. No end... but is that practical when it has never happened thus far? How can one even consider the idea of til death do us part or eternity when all one sees is pain and chaos?
Then, I should just set aside this fear...to live. Why do I hide and feel like a failure or shy? I should stand tall and shout how I feel. Stare you straight into the eyes and wait; raw and open for whatever voice you shall consume me with. And then let go... I am the black widow. I don't know the cause of the twist but, it is there. Be warned-
I am so excited. I feel! Passionate and open. Damn, your passion and love filled my entire being. It is so interesting for me to be with someone who doesn't need healing. Who is the dominant one and doesn't need a mother. I love it. It's so peaceful and wonderful. Though everything has their downsides. I have denied these feelings for so long; so strongly, that once I was able to release them, they have overtaken my entirety. I felt so strongly...so fast.
Its been 4 months about since we've been hanging out together...I think that when there is a connection. A passion and love, that you find it so much easier when it is genuine. You feel it fast, even though you may want to hold off. I wanted to tell you that I loved you over a week ago. And it was so hard for me to tonight. To bear that chest open and extended...handing you a knife and a rose. Choose how you carve or caress me. And you caressed... so strongly. So beautifully. And you are like a strong, beautiful rock. Firm and bold, yet sweet and caring.
You are my throne, and I am your cape.
Damn, I love you...