The Feeling of .. Unknowing Emptiness

I can't help but feel the sick
sliding feeling in my stomach.
And, no matter the cause my tears
start to tumble down. I press myself
in close. Trying to wash my mind of
these thoughts.

Over and over.
They constantly play.
The feeling of when I die.
I'm hovering on the brick.
The edge of jarring emptiness.
And, it keeps consuming me.
Devouring me into nothingness.
Leaving me in a shell.

Trying to strive for warm.
For the sickness to stop.
But, I can't help but wonder.
Can't help but think.
What will I feel when I'm dead.
Will I know i'm dead.
Will it be like those black out moments.
When I clutch the pillow.
And, the night flies by.

Will my existence mean so little?
Would it matter.
Would I know with each trapped breath.
That I'm dead.
I can't stop the shivering.
The quivering.
The nasty bile feel all along my body.
It's like I am dying.

And, I'm feeling each second.
Each heartbeat fade away.
A distant drum that will soon be forgotten.
I stare blankly feeling the hot boiling
tears. The shower rains down on my head.
I can't stop thinking.
Can't stop questioning.
The over-the-top blackness.

The swallowing abyss.
I'm not afraid of death.
I'm not afraid to die.
But, I'm afraid I won't know it.

I want to know.
I need to know.
Where I will lie after.
Will I feel anything?
hear anything..
Smell anything.

Or will I just be staring blankly.
An empty hollow corpse.
Laying there.
Without a soul, without a heartbeat.
Just..

Nothing.

I try to pull myself together.
I try to take a quickened breath.
I'm feeling so damn miserable.
Sitting here.

Being eaten away by these thoughts.
I don't want that blackness.
The big dark place.
The... nothing.

I couldn't describe it quite right.
Nothing, couldn't even place it right.
It's just... non-existence.
I hear my heart pounding in my ears.
I feel my breathing along my skin.
But, I'm caged in my thoughts.

Like a reel of tape.
over and over again.
we spin round and round.
birth/life/death/what?
What is that unknowing.
That sickening feeling sliding down
the pit of my stomach.

What is that sadness.
That irrevocably can't be explained.
God.. help me.
Help me understand.
Take me off this one way track.

I just want to feel something.
Anything.
Just not that nothing.

I want to feel alive.

• On Monday, April 27, 2009, Distorted_Reality (146) wrote:
  
  I concur what hdb said "I hear you loud and clear :) It seems I also have really falling in love with your writing style too. It keeps drawing me to your page more and more. Oh how I love a good read. ~Ariel~
  
  
• On Monday, April 27, 2009, Believer (81) wrote:
  
  you know, you captured this nothingness so well. it's the same feeling that i get. i commend you for this. it was real and i know this nothingness. this wondering. but what i have found, is that there is more than that.
  
  
• On Monday, April 27, 2009, ALBATROSS (226) wrote:
  
  Like a reel of tape. over and over again. we spin round and round. birth/life/death/what? This metaphor is oh so true. I love it. And I think everyone can relate to this poem. Nice.
  
  
• On Monday, April 27, 2009, heartdripsblack (681) wrote:
  
  geeshe. tragically black, but yet so sicere. I hear you. loud and clear. ~ hdb.