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Optimistic Rose

I place my bloody hands upon
Everything you've traveled on
In your mind I crawl through
Choking me until I turn blue
Don't hide your past from me
Unable to regain my breathe
Completely hopeless... nothing left
You pulled me out from my dismay
Brought me to life but here I lay
I can't hear my heart's song
Still searching because you're gone
Waiting as I try to stop the bleed
Praying you'll soon come back to me
The wind it blows bringing tears
Just skip your nails and use the spears
It's not worth living like this
Fix my smeared rainbow as my last wish

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Comments on Optimistic Rose

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On Tuesday July 26th, 2005, stormtalk (884) writes:

Hmm... should be... "breath," "lie," "bleeding." In general, AABB rhyme schemes drive me insane, and although you have some great ideas here, this is no exception.

On Wednesday July 27th, 2005, InsipidTouch (40) writes:

Um, thanks for the comment and trust me, I'm not into AABB rhyme schemes myself but it doesn't hurt to try different things! Of course, what do I know... You're better than me.

On Tuesday July 26th, 2005, stormtalk (884) writes:

I think your poetry would benefit if you abandoned rhyme for a while; it tends to let your content show better.

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