I Lost sleep,
A long time ago sleep evaded me once, I’ve spent the last eight years chasing it. Sometimes I can just reach him, my finger tips just dusting the tip of his ragged cloak long enough for a few broken hours, other times I grab hold and grip him long enough to dream, but he always breaks free.

And so I dream, in my waking daze I lay, my imagination showing me things I want. Some things I may never have but at that moment are mine! Safe in my head these dreams shimmer and change like looking over the edge of a boat in shallow water, moving swiftly across various groups of plants, rocks, fish and sand. Always out of focus but somehow soothing with the uncertainty.

But for the first time two nights ago as I lay alone, my waking but tired mind showed me something far darker. In horrifying clarity I imagined myself in a world of violence, crime, rape, torture and death. I was not scared though for my waking nightmare showed me as the one doing these terrible things, I watched as a broken version of me destroyed countless lives with ruthless control. Beating innocents, stealing while helpless victims watched and the worsted part was the abduction, terrorisation, humiliation, violation, rape, torture then murder of young women.

Although I knew all these things to be wrong I allowed my mind to continue until another interrupted my daze. I knew it was just a dream however I wondered if I were capable of such brutal horrors? I know as I write this now that I am no angel, I have done many things others would never understand, some I don't even understand myself, But could I really go that far? What would it take to push me over that line of mortality? Beyond insanity.

I think now about the duelality of me, of mankind, for everything good I am capable of there is a part of me to challenge it. I am capable of love to a degree, I have made others feel as if in a dream. Showing them a world where miracles are seen, where people can just listen to your words, even if they are about what you hoped never to say. I have shown such a gentle touch that pain almost seems to be an illusion that cannot ever be real, I have said or written the words that made people cry and laugh with such feeling of joy that they believe the sun could shine underground.

However I have also shown contempt, hate, anger and even spite to these same people and to others. In a glance I have silenced friends and made tem pale, with written thoughts I have un-nerved some brave teachers and made one girl feel ill. I have utterly terrified many with a heated roar of unchecked anger thrown blindly from my head. My greatest regret was a few quiet spoken words from my heart, I completely crushed a sweet innocent young woman’s world. She has never been the same since,
I never told her, but neither have I.

This seesaw of opposites lives within me always and so I am terrified to allow myself to completely love or be happy because I know as the joy grows, so does the sorrow, as the love strengthens so does the anger enrage. I allowed myself to be happy once but it was soon after the sorrow consumed my heart. I even allowed myself to love fully once, but as I earlier mentioned neither parties heart fully recovered from the hated act that soon followed. So now I drift through life hollow and alone, although I even now write while the mother of my child gently snores beside me, my heart is alone.

I have for years censored what I had allowed myself to write, type, say or even feel, I know now that is soon to matter no more. For over a week now I have barely left my house, I'm not even entirely sure why but I feel as if something is coming for me and all I do now will be lost when it arrives. It is hard to admit this but I have been so closed off for so long I don't even know what it truly is to feel anymore and that saddens me deep within my core. For all I have ever hurt, I am truly sorry. For all I have ever scared, please be frightened no more. For all who love me, please know I loved you as best I could.

I still feel this is all soon to end, an end to this waking nightmare.

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