I'm writing you this, because I know you will understand it best.

you hear how people say we only live once. I really don't believe that. no matter can be destroyed, and neither can the soul, information is never lost, like unique sets of memories. science is only one avenue of explanation, one fact for one issue, why do we try so hard to discredit all possibilities, when we have no way of proving any absolute truth. I've seen the details, and philosophies in science, it has killed us more than it has saved us. you'll agree because we were both kissed by fate and arrived outside the line. and I've been here before, seen the suffering, seen the pleasure on your face, lived this heart torn decision, as if I'm being distracted on purpose for what I could not let go the last time. these things.. they move my world, I cannot deny, or look in your eyes, because I see them there, glowering desperation, how can I describe what really haunts me, so I get down on my knees, and with you I try to plead, just let me go today, and maybe we will find each other again..


"I'm afraid of a god", I said.
"fearing god is loving god", you told me.
because I need some greater consequence for all the things we do here, that we get away with.


it is why my body is wracked by a root disease of ageborn acacias frozen beneath the sun. hallowed be this possession.
everywhere people are preparing for a war to end all wars, to put a hole through the earth, let's shoot a burning arrow through their plan.
everywhere people are blaming each other for their problems, we need to put their arrogance to shame, with phantom acts of bravery, lifegiving kindness. and I'm not sorry for saying that suicide is the single most sacrificing act of heroism. sometimes a necessity. sometimes the exploitation of another.


you shouldn't try to save me from the evil in this world, in the end we'll all be innocent victims to its path, so maybe I don't want to be innocent, but know the true extent of human horror, in the last hours of untamed physical torture, who's name will you call, will you scream or slip into silent reverie, locked onto a memory of grace-land love & simplicity. I want retribution for those slaughtered into oblivion. do your eyes bleed for the childsized skeletons buried in Darfur sands.


I love you for drawing out my fundamentalism, since I've always been suppressed by inequality, fear of failure, personal inadequacies, and now I see, I am more than me, and yours is no ordinary touch. I relish the nights we lay in bed, on unlikely corners of the world stormcasting the lonely harrowing echoes of saharan songs, we closed eyes and bathed in the glory of desert sunsets, a relief to the people's bonethirsty need, subject to drug trials, foreign planned warfare, scorn, hatred, for their own, where survival instincts compel the worst acts you can imagine.


maybe I can't escape what has always stayed in my system, and maybe time doesn't really change people. only people change people. when I think how you picked me up from the floor the fitful times I complained about petty things that were killing me slowly inside, and you penned the fanciful question as a diversion, "what is the origin of all this?" we were within the universe of all multiverses then, just painting moons over black holes, and riding meteors through my greatest fears.


but poetry only makes fantasies about reality, and the deprivation of every life wanting to depart uncaged eats away at the beauty of holding you against me in this vanilla existence. you are that attachment of me I would die for, no operation, or excorcism divides love-banded as foetus to an umbilical cord. please allow my devotion to journey the deep underbelly of sea passages across the sky, until you join me.


forever yours,
Michelle.

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