Polyamory and Nonmonogamy-
An Exploration into Alternative Styles of Relationships

Polyamory. Nonmonogamy. Open marriages. New relationship energy.
These are terms that, said to most of the population of the United States, would not only raise eyebrows, but many questions. What do they mean? What kind of people exist in these lifestyles? Isn't that limited to Mormons, swingers, the 60's, college? This paper will explore these questions and possibly pose a few more challenging the assumptions and beliefs surrounding alternative relationship styles. My interest in the subject comes from the simple fact that there is very little information about it published currently. It is also a lifestyle present in my life and the lives of people close to me, so I felt the desire to promote understanding of nonmonogamous relationships.
First, polyamory and nonmonogamy must be defined. These are not words that have even made it into the dictionary, in spite of the fact they have been practiced for hundreds of years. Therefore, we must explain what it isn't. Monogamy is defined by the Cambridge Dictionary as "when someone has a sexual relationship or marriage with only one other person at a time". Polygamy, by contrast, is defined as "the fact or custom of being married to more than one person at the same time"(Proctor, 1995). So what about having sex with more than one person at a time? Or, alternately, what about being in love with more than one person? For that matter, why is there no word for being in love with only one person? Monogamy seems to cover only two bases: sex, and marriage.
The assumption that love equals marriage (and vice-versa) is one that is quickly falling out of favor in modern society, therefore leading us to redefine relationships and their parameters. The number of unmarried couples living together increased 72% between 1990 and 2000, according to the Alternatives to Marriage Project (Statistics). Sociologist Judith Stacey is quoted as saying, "My strong objection is to the notion that there's one kind of relationship that's best for everyone, that it's a moral failing if you don't achieve it, and that it will irreparably harm your children if you don't marry or if your marriage doesn't last" (Experts Say). So what other kinds of relationship choices are out there? Some people choose not to marry their partner, instead choosing domestic partnership. Others are finding themselves in a group marriage, where three or more people live, eat, and sleep together. Still others prefer to be in love with one person, but sleep with people outside of the relationship. This paper will serve to explore these alternative ways of living; the history of such practices, the definitions with which people communicate, current information about people in nonmonogamous lifestyles, and the appearance of these arrangements in nature.
"Polyamory" is a fairly new term; one that is not even currently in the Oxford English Dictionary. It is a hybrid word, coming from the word for "many" in Greek and the Latin word for "love". This definition neatly packages the practices of the polyamorous, an umbrella term for many types of nonmonogamous practices. Those who practice polyamory embrace openness to multiple loves and multiple lovers, although the specific details of the arrangement may vary from person to person. The term has been used sporadically since the 1960's; it gained popularity in the 1990's through the article "A Bouquet of Lovers", by Morning Glory Zell Ravenheart, and the Usenet newsgroup "alt.polyamory" that Jennifer Wesp started in 1992 (Polyamory).
The idea of "many loves" is not new to society, though it was generally practiced through the act of multiple marriages. Currently, polygamous societies are about four times more numerous than monogamous ones; of 1170 societies recorded worldwide in Murdock's Ethnographic Atlas, polygyny (one man having more than one wife) is prevalent in 850 (Polygamy). There are no specific statistics on the occurrence of nonmonogamy in the United States, perhaps because the most common instance of nonmonogamy is a secretive one of cheating. However, there are examples of the practice in the history of America's Mormons, and others in Hawaii's past. All 50 states have laws against bigamy, the act of having two (or more) licensed marriages; most states even consider it a felony (Polygamy Laws). While polygyny is more common than polyandry (one woman having more than one husband), evidence of polyandry has been found historically in places such as Tibet, Nepal, some regions of China, and within tribal communities both in Africa and America (Polyandry). Generally these relationships make use of a hierarchy- a primary and secondary relationship, or the first, second and third wives.
Western religions have often gone against polyamory and nonmonogamy as being "unnatural". This is not true, according to David P. Barash. He says, "Biologists have long understood that monogamy is rare in mammals. Of about 4,000 mammalian species, only a handful have ever been called monogamous. The tiny list includes beavers and a couple of other rodents, otters, bats, certain foxes, a few hoofed mammals, and some primates -- notably gibbons and the tamarins and marmosets of the tropical New World." Birds have often been the poster children for monogamy, but as researchers study their mating habits more, they're finding less and less of them are monogamous. Extra-pair studies have been flooding scientific journals for almost 10 years, including some with oxymoronic names such as "Promiscuity in Monogamous Colonial Birds" and "Extra-Pair Paternity in Monogamous Tree Swallows." Animals seem to seek out extra-pair copulation for genetic diversity, Barash found. "By mating with males who are especially fit and/or who possess secondary sexual traits that are particularly appealing to other females, would-be mothers apparently can increase the fitness as well as the eventual sexual attractiveness of their offspring" (Barash). The frequency of this phenomenon within the animal kingdom might suggest a biological advantage to nonmonogamous partnerships.
Sometimes the appearance of nonmonogamous arrangements in humans are in communities who choose these relationships for the purposes of sharing resources or childcare. Culturally, Americans are raised to consider the monogamous, one male-one female relationship ideal, especially for raising a family; however, this is contrary to the belief many societies have of "it takes a village to raise a child". In fact, even in America the "rule" is actually the exception. Only one-quarter of American households consist of what most people think of as a "traditional family": a married couple and their children (Statistics). Many tribes consider it ideal for a child to have multiple parents of either gender, since that allows for the child to be continually taken care of. One website puts forth the scenario of two couples who work, own homes, and have children; the author points out that having a rotation of adults to parent the children allows the adults to have more couple time, individual time, or even take a class or two. She points out the benefit of not needing to worry about a trustworthy babysitter, since the family takes care of the children, and with full communication between all parents involved, homework and chores become more easily enforced. This also gives the children more chances to participate in activities outside of the home, because of the increased possibility of an adult able to transport them (Foureux). Outside of the advantages polyamorous households have when raising children, possible materialistic advantages include the addition of more income, shared resources such as a home or vehicle, division of chores, and efficient use of income for community-used things such as refrigerators, bulk food, and power tools. The author suggests that a poly family also benefits from the shared skills the participants possess, not only as individuals but taught to the group. Therefore, everyone's standard of living and personal knowledge can improve (Foureux).
Other communities are drawn to various forms of polyamory through religious practices. Mormons are the religious group most often associated with polygyny, although most of the resources encountered while researching this subject only vehemently oppose the practice as being sinful. From the little information I was able to find explaining why Mormons practiced polygyny to begin with, I concluded that Joseph Smith, who founded their Church, felt that what was good enough for Bible men was good enough for him. The Bible states that Abraham, Isaac and Jacob all had multiple wives with God's approval. According to author Jessica Guynn, "The most disturbing proof of divinely endorsed polygamy involves King David and his son Solomon, who alone had 700 wives and 300 concubines. Neither king was ever criticized by God for polygamy". She also declares the lifestyle of her female ancestors to be "hell on earth", stating that "As consolation for their struggles, God promised that their suffering would be short and their reward eternal" (Guynn).
Although it's easy to find many Mormon arguments against the practice, it is difficult to believe all women disliked the polygamous lifestyle. Worldwide, rich men have had concubines and mistresses who were happily "second fiddle" to the first wife. Being the second or third wife often seems to mean having most of the privileges of the primary relationship without any of the responsibilities (i.e. childbearing, housekeeping, etc). According to researcher Kilbride (1994), seventy-six percent of women in Kenya view polygamy positively. These wives encourage their husbands to get another wife to prevent their own loneliness at home. Twenty-five out of twenty-seven Kenyan women Kilbride interviewed felt that polygamy was better than monogamy, and believed that it was a positive experience if the wives cooperated with each other (Kilbride, 1994).
After community practicality and religious idealism, perhaps the most common reason people end up in polyamorous relationships is for personal reasons. Some believe there is a political statement to be had within not conforming to the standard couple lifestyle; in many ways, it appears to be a rejection of ideals Western society has pressed upon humanity from day one. Western society seems fascinated by the often idealized happy, married, monogamous couple. Images depicting this can be seen everywhere, from advertisements and television shows to movies and books. Most tabloids are filled with stories that seem to have an undercurrent of monogamy, whether it's functional or not; their blaring headlines are often about illicit hookups, famous weddings and celebrity cheating. Infidelity often seems to be considered one of the most painful situations a relationship can suffer through. The concept of being in a relationship with multiple, consenting people is usually declared an abnormality at best, and, more often, immoral and a cause of grief. Young adults appear to be brought up to believe they have a "soulmate", an "other half" who will complete them. The language often used to discuss lovers ("my" boyfriend or "my" wife) is possessive, indicating ownership. Western society seems to consider love finite, and that one person only has so much of it to give away. It is possible that challenging this socially accepted way of viewing love and sex is to challenge the way "civilized countries" run their entire society.
Why would anyone want to pursue this? To answer this, it is important to consider for a moment what possibilities polyamory can give someone, outside of children, resources and religion. It can allow the person to have their needs met, not partially, but completely, through several people who may or may not be sexual partners. It can create a situation where the person does not have to settle for the "best deal", but can instead create a community of lovers and lover's lovers for the benefit of the entire group. It could be a source of relief for a bisexual who would like to reap the benefits of a relationship with both genders. It could be a sexually freeing experience; "I love making love, it's the most beautiful thing in the world. I love making love to someone I love. Why would I limit that to one person when I'm capable of loving many?" asks one person on an online poly forum (K, 07 2005). It can be a way to expand oneself, through intimacy and sharing with different people. Others may find they cannot be monogamous, and polyamory is a way to date multiple people without resorting to dishonesty. Hollywood actor Will Smith has revealed his relationship with his wife, Jada, to be open to nonmonogamy, saying, "Our perspective is you don't avoid what's natural. You're going to be attracted to people. In our marriage vows, we didn't say 'forsaking all others'. If it came down to it, then one can say to the other, 'Look, I need to have sex with somebody. I'm not going to if you don't approve of it - but please approve of it'"(Will Smith, 2005).
There seems to be as many reasons for being polyamorous or nonmonogamous as there are people seeking to explore it. One book on the subject, "The Ethical Slut", suggests that the reader examine their reasons for choosing this path, saying "We ask that you get clear within yourself that you're doing this for you- because it excites you, because it offers opportunities for learning and growth and fun, because you want to. Make no mistake, this can be a rocky road... and if you're navigating it for the wrong reasons, resentment can easily poison the very relationships you set out to save" (Easton et al, 1997). Many books and websites on the subject have special sections on dealing with jealousy, compromising, setting limits and being honest, all of which are difficult interactions that appear necessary for the maintenance of multiple happy relationships. It appears to be an intensely demanding lifestyle, and one that involves a lot of hard work to maintain in order to have these benefits; co-authors Easton and Hardy explain later in their book that nonmonogamists often enjoy the test, tending to "like (their) lives complicated, with lots of stuff going on to keep (them) interested and engaged" (Easton et al, 1997).
Finding information and research on polyamory and nonmonogamy can be a grueling task. My research for this paper indicates that this is perhaps because Western countries still consider long term, monogamous relationships as the only "real" relationships, citing any failed example of nonmonogamy as proof that it doesn't work. And yet, the divorce rate currently hovers towards 50% of all marriages; does this mean heterosexual monogamy doesn't work? This is a ridiculous conclusion to make in either case, and so my research focuses on what seems to be the three most common reasons for ANY relationships to have trouble- infidelity, lack of communication, and jealousy.
Jealousy is something that can affect anyone, even the most well-versed in nonmonogamy. Most people will go to enormous lengths to avoid the feeling of jealousy, and in fact many seem to believe it is one of the most horrible things we can feel. It can threaten self-worth by leading a person to believe that their partner wants someone else instead of as opposed to as well as; it can make one believe their security within their relationship is threatened. One study focused on men's sexual jealousy showed its possibility for extreme effects, it being the most frequent cause of wife abuse and murder. It also seems to be the cause in many husband killings. In a sample of forty-seven murders triggered by a jealous man, nine of the murdered were men killed in self defense by women accused of infidelity (Daly et. al., 1982). There appears to be a tendency to believe that jealousy is instinctual, mankind's way of protecting what is theirs. Instead of challenging the belief that lovers are property and confronting the reasons behind that jealousy, there seems to frequently be an attempt to avoid the emotion entirely, instead often lashing out. It also seems that humans tend to become more possessive, more accusing of perceived infidelities, and more manipulative because of the jealous fears and insecurities they refuse to admit to. Another lover is not always the cause of these jealousies, either; anything that keeps a lover away can be the cause, whether it be work, a hobby, family, or something entirely different.
One study of particular interest discusses mate retention tactics. In a study by Buss and Shackelford (1997a), 107 men and 107 women who had been married less than one year were asked to fill out a questionnaire about their participation in various mate retention acts and behaviors. They were also asked about and judged by their physical attractiveness and their likelihood to do certain things to "get ahead". The average age of the women was a little more than 24 years; the men were a little older than 25. There were several hypotheses involved- one was that men married to younger women would engage mate retention tactics more often. The second was that men married to attractive women were more likely to use mate retention tactics; the third was that women married to men with many resources or prospects for the future were more likely to participate in mate retention tactics. Examples of these tactics are enhancing appearance, threats to punish mate's infidelity, emotional or physical manipulation, resource display, submissive tendencies, and violence against rivals. Hypothesis one was supported by the data in this study, not only showing that younger wives led to higher usage of mate retention tactics, but also that younger women tend to use these tactics more often than older women. For the second hypothesis, results showed that the attractiveness of the female as perceived by the male increased the likelihood of the tactics. Strangely, women who saw their husbands as attractive used these tactics less often. These women, instead, paid more attention to the resources of their husbands, increasing their mate retention efforts the more their husband made in income.
Mate retention may be a reflection of jealousy and the threat of infidelity. Instead of discussing with a partner the fears involved ("I worry when you don't return my calls for a few days" or "When I see you looking at other men, I worry that you don't find me attractive") people seem to strike out, often blindly. This does not appear to be a behavior exclusive to monogamous couples; jealousy may crop up in a polyamorous situation when one person's two lovers have sex together, or when a primary partner has a date with someone new and can't stop gushing about it to their partner. People seem to use mate retention techniques to try to keep their lover only looking at them, when in fact these behaviors tend to drive these lovers away.
Infidelity and jealousy go hand in hand. From a purely evolutionary standpoint, infidelity means less resources for the primary, and since it is usually done secretly, there is no way to have the peaceful co-existence found in the polygamous wives in Kenya. It may signal a lack of commitment to the relationship. There are two commonly held variants of infidelity: emotional and sexual. Sexual infidelity is defined as sexual interactions with someone other than your primary, while emotional infidelity is defined as falling in love or spending time and attention on someone else. This, again, indicates that there is only enough love and attention for one person, and that by giving some of it away to someone else, there is a only restricted amount left to give. Ironically, a jealous lover tends to increase the infidelity of their partner, because oftentimes much of their time and attention is spent on mate retention instead of on emotional or sexual bonding.
In another study by Shackelford and Buss (1997), the perceived cues for infidelity were studied. They hypothesized and found true that while men tend to react more strongly towards hints of their partners sexual infidelity, women react more to perceived emotional infidelity. 204 undergraduates were interviewed, aged from 17-27 years. Examples of cues they were asked to report on were physical ones such as sleeping more or changes in clothing styles, verbal ones like not saying "I love you" as often, sexual ones like trying new positions during sex or emotional cues like withdrawing from their lover. Both genders believed that sharing their partner meant less for them, both in time and resources. With so many cues to infidelity (170 were offered), it is difficult to believe that people get beyond those obstacles to have satisfying dates, much less relationships.
My conclusion to both studies is that a lack of communication will lead to far more stress than is necessary. It would be interesting to observe how polyamorous relationships communicate (considering their apparent focus on communication skills and limit setting) versus how monogamous relationships communicate (which seem to assume these skills are inherent, with no need to set clear boundaries). If more people did the necessary work, talked about their fears and insecurities, and accepted their jealousy as what it is (their own responsibility), would we have less domestic violence, divorce, and the spread of disease? My research has found that the polyamorous and nonmonogamous communities seem to be far more likely to discuss testing for sexually transmitted disease, methods of protection and other types of safer sex that can be used instead of anal or vaginal sex. Considering the statistics on infidelity in the United States, one wonders what the difference would be if nonmonogamy was an accepted alternative way of life. There is a concept I discovered in the poly community called "compersion", when one receives positive feelings when their lover is enjoying another relationship. It is interesting to consider the possibilities of encouraging such feelings instead of dwelling on jealousy or insecurity.
One theme present in all my resources was that polyamory and nonmonogamy is not for everyone. Some people prefer to be in monogamous relationships, and when they are happy within that arrangement, it is the right choice for them. Some people choose to remain monogamous while their lover explores polyamory. Others keep with polyamory in a specific group, as in group marriages and polyfidelity. But my conclusion is that there is a choice when it comes to relationships, something which I feel few really recognize. My hope is that there will be more research done on these options.


References

Buss, David, and Shackelford, Todd. (1997a). From Vigilance to Violence: Mate retention tactics in married couples. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 72, 346-361.

Barash, David P. (n.d.). Deflating the Myth of Monogamy. Retrieved May 3, 2005 from http://www.trinity.edu/rnadeau/FYS/Barash%20on%20monogamy.htm

Daly, M., Wilson, M., & Weghorst S. (1982). Male sexual jealousy. Ethology and Biology, 3, 11-27.

Easton, D., & Liszt, C. (1997). The ethical slut. San Francisco: Greenery Press.

Experts Say. (1998-2004). Retrieved May 11, 2005, from the Alternatives to Marriage Project homepage:
http://www.unmarried.org/experts.html#family

Foureux, H. (n.d.). Hope's place. Retrieved Apr. 27, 2005, from Polyamory: Poly Appeal Website: http://www.hopesplace.net/polyamory/polyappeal.html.

Guynn, J. Grappling with the polygamous past . Retrieved Apr 27, 2005, from Belief.net: http://www.beliefnet.com/story/66/story_6654_1.html

K. (2005, 07). Thinking cap time!. Message posted to Poly Under 35, archived at http://polyunder35.tribe.net/

Kilbride, P. (1994). Plural marriage for our times; a reinvented option?. Westport, CN: Bergin & Garvey.

Polyamory. (n.d.). Retrieved Apr. 27, 2005, from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Web site: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory#History_of_term.

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Polygamy Laws > State Statutes > Against Bigamy >Bigamist. (2002). Retrieved May 11, 2005, from the Marriage Laws homepage: http://usmarriagelaws.com/search/united_states/polygamy/index.shtml

Proctor, Paul (editor). (1995). Cambridge International Dictionary of English. Cambridge, England: Cambridge University Press

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Polyamory Glossary of Terms

Cheating- Making promises of sexual or emotional exclusivity but secretly not keeping them.

Compersion- The positive feelings one has when their lovers is out enjoying another relationship.

Fluid-Bonded- When a couple does not use protection and trusts each other to be honest about sexually transmitted disease risk factors.

Intimate Network- The community of lovers, and lover's lovers, and ex-lovers, and possible new lovers, all of whom may be any of the above to any other of the above. A poly web, so to speak.

Monogamy- Two people in a sexually and romantically exclusive relationship. A common form is "serial monogamy", where one person has multiple monogamous relationships in a row, but not at the same time.

New Relationship Energy- The surge of new energy one has after starting a new relationship- something that can cause jealousy and needs to be paid attention to and compensated for in poly relationships.

Non-Monogamy- Any type of relationship that does not follow the one-on-one exclusivity of monogamy. May include emotional monogamy but sexual non-monogamy or vice versa.

Open/Closed- Terms used to define types of polyamorous relationships. An open relationship may allow partners to have additional lovers who are not part of this relationship; a closed one requires that members not be lovers with anybody not "inside" it. Polyfidelity is a form of polyamory involving a closed group, in which all adult members are considered primary to each other.
 
Open Marriage, Open Relationship- A form of polyamory relationship generally where the primary partners have secondaries or are open to such.

Polyamory- Literally, many loves- being involved in or open to multiple loving relationships in an honest, negotiated fashion. Generally a commitment to honesty with all partners and clear ground rules. Often just called "poly" for short.

Polyandry, Polygamy, Polygyny- In order, one woman with multiple husbands, the general term for multiple marriages, and one man with multiple wives.

Primary, Secondary- A primary relationship is generally one that is more marriage or boyfriend/girlfriend-like, where two or more people make the life decisions, such as finances or child raising. A secondary tends to take the place of a very close friend in these decisions, and can mean living separately.

Safer Sex- The practice of using condoms, dams and other protection, as well as getting tested regularly, to keep yourself and everyone else safer.

Swinging- Another type of nonmonogamous relationship generally including one couple who switches partners with other couples- tends to avoid love, romance or relationships outside of the existing couples, though friendships are generally ok.

Triad, Quad- Triads are relationships where three people are primary to each other- a quad is where four people are primary to each other.

Vee, Triangle- A vee is where two pairs are more bonded than the third pair because of a shared lover, or hinge. A triangle is where all three are involved with each other- also considered a triad.

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