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"Small Poetry Under your Sun" by your_only_love

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These words are
Pushing
Their way out of my solar system,
Past my tongue,
Through the gates of my closed smile.
A broken dam, I am pathetically unable to hold back their flood.
A broken levee, and my lands are over run
Washing away all you tried to build in me.

I know the damage I’ll take
When I crash into your surface, a weak moon pulled into your orbit.
The black-hole of my existence,
I’m peering through your light-less eyes.
I know the way each word drips down the glass of your existence
And the damage my acid will do
When you’re incorporeal,
Untouchable.

These words will burn my skin
As I seek to give them to you.




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If you [Log In] as a member you can discuss this work with others

On Wednesday September 10th, 2008, your_only_love (163) writes:
I feel the same. I feel it as a richness, and brings me away from what I felt to be cold, brittle poetry for my class.


On Tuesday September 9th, 2008, Mistress Shadow (381) writes:
I thought the jumping metaphors added to your tone, fast paced while still leaving a pause for the images that count. ~T


On Thursday September 4th, 2008, Ainsof (1865) writes:
hmmmm I like the concept, I think, the celestial imagery... but I would say, and this is only because your profile says you really want serious criticism, in my personal opinion, that the imagery is a little overwhelming on the one hand, too many mixed metaphors, and that the emotions expressed do not seem to really impose themselves upon the reader. But that's just my reaction... I'm probably not reading it in the right mood.


On Friday September 5th, 2008, your_only_love (163) writes:
*laughs* you definitely just sent me back two years to memories of my creative writing class. The main complaint with my poetry was mixed metaphors, which I couldn't really understand- I like it that way. I guess I've been trying to be too... vague, too full of the overwhelming mix of images. But yeah, thanks so much for the honest criticism :D Mayhaps I'll see what I can do to make it more a work of art instead of simply the release of infectious words.



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Printed from www.DarkPoetry.com/dp/8631/112945 on Thursday December 04th, 2008 12:05 PM

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