I've walked all night, my mind swimming with guilt of the sins I bear. I thought of all the things I can't undo. I longed for peace. A moment's rest where all is taken back. But there shall never be a moment as such. For time can never be replaced. I long for an innocence I shall never again possess. For as mentioned before, time cannot be replaced. I have drank from a poisoned pool and my innocence shall never be again. It's been shattered and ripped from my soul. Only to be replaced with a dark stain, shadowing my life.

I walk on further and further, driven by my guilt. Perhaps I think too much of my past or perhaps too little, for I seem to make the stupid mistake of repeating it. As dreadful as it may seem, I must dwell on such things to learn from them and hopefully one day benefit. It's hard to detect but slowly I have become different from the girl I started out as. And I think, perhaps, maybe change is inevitable. There is no escape and nothing can stop it, no matter how vigilant you may be. I strain to recall things that in my youth I had taken for granted. Colours have faded and dulled to my eyes. I used to feel so alive, so euphoric.

And so it is now that I am nothing of that girl who used to appreciate the vivid greens in springtime and the chirping of the birds at sunrise. And how is it that I've changed so in such a short time. My steps quicken and my breathing becomes heavier. Smoke billowing out in front of me. My thoughts race faster.

I'm not stupid and I'm not naive. I have my weaknesses but who doesn't in a world such as this. Sadly, I am only human and I succumb to my weaknesses again and again. And I fall down on my knees and beg for the sweet release of forgiveness. But how can you forgive a chronic sinner?

It cannot be helped if it is dangled in front of you, tempting you. To say you deny it every time would be a lie. And right now I have been unfaithful to myself so often that I don't think I could handle another one. To do so would be unfair, to add another brick to my already heavy load.

The peace I so desperately seek is unattainable.

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