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"Slipping Away" by lordshadow

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You smile a while, denial inside
You crawl through the wall of emotions you hide
You change, rearrange everything in your head
You've cried and decide you'd be better off dead

Take a walk through the halls with their walls caving in
The floors and the doors their patience wears thin
They'll fall to the ground all around you're in danger
They'll twist like a fist in your chest it grows stranger

A knife takes a life more humane than these thoughts
A gun is more fun in these fights that you've fought
A battle that rattles your cages of pain
A war, as it eases releases the strain

Look in my eyes, you can see the real me
Never forget that I set you free
Stay in the way of my head and my mind
Keep your eyes open and never go blind




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On Thursday September 13th, 2007, anakronistik_me (40) writes:
i love it. the rhythm was fantastic. i definitely think the rhyming worked. i especially like the second stanza.


On Monday December 6th, 2004, ZealousValadiction (66) writes:
like the all of the poems of your that i have read today I realy like it


On Sunday August 29th, 2004, Dayer (200) writes:
Nice flow, good rhythm, great job :)


On Thursday August 19th, 2004, Northstar (453) writes:
I think this piece is great and in my very humble opinion I think the rhyming works in it--and in the last stanza you abandon the rhyming of the first three stanzas (with the exception of the third line) and really drive your message/expression home


On Friday August 20th, 2004, purr_verse (1427) writes:
i agree with northstar... your metre is consistent, strong and effective, and your internal rhythm/rhyme does not drop the beatpace... impressed me a lot; fine write. I'm really, really picky about metre. You nailed it. :)


On Thursday August 19th, 2004, weheldhandsattheendoftheworld (120) writes:
i love the rythym and flow of this ... the words just seem to slide off my tongue.. but synn is right.. sometimes you just have to forget about the rhyme.. its still wonderful though


On Thursday August 19th, 2004, An Expired Member (7) writes:
yeah i agree with Legacy of Synn.


On Thursday August 19th, 2004, An Expired Member (7) writes:
It's a strong piece, I'll give you that much, but (and this can't be said enough) the couplet rhyme scheme tends to take away from the impact of the piece. It's well written, and the rhymes are smooth...but there is a such thing as too much rhyme.



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Printed from www.DarkPoetry.com/dp/6913/44341 on Saturday November 22nd, 2008 05:48 PM

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