All I search for is an answer.
The answer to the question I do not have.
I lie awake in bed.
Thinking.
Just constantly thinking.
About everything.
I haven't been able to sleep for weeks.
And now finally I seek help.
Help to a problem I do not know.
All night long.
All day long.
Constantly.
And now I think I've lost my grip on reality.
My grip was so strong 'til now.
I've always been a survivor, so I had thought.
And how long I survive is up to me.
Though I’ve tried once already in my life.
I vowed to never again.
But it's funny that suddenly I'm losing my mind.
I don't talk to anyone anymore.
Friends call, I say I'm alive and then can't continue a conversation.
Even with people I had absolutely no problems talking to.
Everyone of them think I'm mad at them.
When actually I'm not.
Sleepless nights.
Lonely days.
Brings me only pain and curiosity.
Why is this happening I ask myself, but I get no answer.
I'm losing it.
How long will this happen?
I tried to hide it but something snapped.
I've lost.
I'm in my own world now.
The world of walls.
Walls I can't break down on my own.
Oh, I tried but to no avail.
That's why I ask for help.
But help is too far away due to the fact that I don't know what I need help for.
I search for answers to questions I do not even know.
All along I've had luck in not breaking down but now the tides have changed.
The dice show snake eyes.
My mind is scrambled.
And I'm scared.
Scared of not knowing answers, not knowing why but most of all I'm just scared.
I wrote once 'Life is but a forbidden shadow' and that's the way I feel.
I'm there but not really there.
I'm alive but not really alive.
I'm lost.
Lost in a world in which I can never escape.
What is there to do?
Life is but an endless maze.
A maze of ups and downs, left turns and right turns, but why is there a dead end?
I search and I've searched for my reward.
My reward for putting up with everything.
Many people have found it already and are happy but me I'm lost.
My reward I can't find.
It's lost.
I'm lost.
Nothing makes sense to me anymore.
And nothing will until I find what the problem is.
I think of things that have no meaning to me and then things that do.
Then, things of others, alive and dead.
I'm fighting a battle within myself, within my mind.
That I just can't win.
I'm in pain.
I'm suffering.
But I can't win.
Why me?
Why now?
Even more questions which have no answers.
Life is not always a bed of roses.
That's what I hear.
But why does it have to be a bed of nails.
Pinching and poking, into my life when I don't want it.
All I search for is peace of mind.
But all I get is pieces.
This is your brain.
This is your brain on drugs.
My brain is an empty frying pan.
I'm fighting love, fighting friendships, most of all I'm fighting myself
Aghhhhhhhhhhhhh
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