i dont know if i can do it. i said i could. it was never this hard. now i have to sit there, the only one who has a lonely soul, watching just how much happier they both were without me. and its so completely engulfing to finally let it hurt me. like a tidal wave. like a fucking demolition. breaking down those fragile walls of hope i had that for once someone couldnt live without me. maybe i should just get over myself. be empty. fuck it all. why do i need anything anyway? just to fuck it up and make it shitty like me. no one who knows me can even stand to love me anymore. but unlike before when i would scream and bleed just to believe that someone heard me, i cant seem to make a sound. i grew up. i gave in. i surrendered to the facts. you cannot change the world. you can't change people. you cannot be a god. perfection and happy ever afters will forever be beyond my grasp. and i had the audacity to accept that fact. i betrayed myself when i stopped caring. and now i can't seem to go back. i have to pretend that i do not feel. that everything i see and every day i live won't mean that much less to me. or that much more, if only for the emptiness... i'm not sure which.

and i am not sure which bothers me more. that you have finally found someone good for you. that YOU are happy. or that he is. wondering if every time that he touches her, if its just to remind me of every time he never touched me. to touch me once more with those ghost fingers,
like stroking a hungry wildcat, stroking my ego. prodding my hate. the things i used to feel as he lay in my bed, inches and miles away. paranoia? voices?
or just me.
will i ever know the difference?

and then i glance over, and you're giving me that look.
the one that says you know i can't handle this.
and boy are you right this time...
but i am going to show you just how much you mean to me this time.
i am going to show you just how much i can take
so i'll finish my beer
and i'll go home.
to curl in a ball and pass out alone.
i will not be selfish, i will not take what i need.
i will not lean over and trace those imagined shadows on your face.

and even if i can never look you in the eyes again...
i will not be the one who ends this.

so wish me good luck.
and kiss me goodbye.
who knows how long it will be before i break.

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