March 19th

if depression is intense feelings of hurt self doubt and sadness and they give you a lovely little pill to make it all better... so you can forget your sadness, but no one forgets the things that truly make us feel any kind of emotion.. we shouldnt... WE ARE HUMAN... right now im not sure of what i feel... right now.. i am a blank fucking slate.. normally id have had my day or two of sullen crying and bitching and moaning.. but no.. i just feel nothing and it scares me worst of all.. i mean what is it that makes us human.. i think its emotion.. animals react from an insticnt.. we pet them.. they feel good so they show love.. we however are stimulated by other things than instinct... we can decide whether or not to show affection when presented witha stimulii.. we can pretend we dont feel or show it openly.. the choice is up to us.. but what if we cant make that choice because its already decided.. decided by a state that would rather drug its problems than worry about them.. ONE 25mg pill a day is all you need and you'll be happy and we wont have to worry about scraping one more body off of the highway.. for fucks sake.. i didnt even care that i was depressed.. i went to the doctors so i could get some fucking sleep once in a while when i need it .. but oh no.. your sleeping problems are caused by depression.. this was the diagnosis the first fucking day we met.. but for fucks sake who cant tell that im depressed??? has anyone ever looked at me and said well she just looks happy as a bucket of cherries.. i doubt it.,. buyt then again i do have an amazing cloaking instinct.. im a hider.. i hide the things i feel.. someone asks me how i am after a night of hardcore screaming and cutting and binging.. of course im fine.. how else would i be.. im always fine with a smile to give.. if only to keep from being asked more.. but always i have been looking for that one person who can see through the bullshit and loves you too much to let it go... i had that once or so i thought.. but apparently friendships are just one of those sad things you learn to forget.. or just cant manage to remember whilst drugged up.. GOD DAMN IT I SHOULD FEEL SOMETHING
anything
something to remind me that im alive.. that i can still fucking feel.. this is the first time ive cried in days and it feels so good.. now if only i could figure out why.. what is the big problem here.. what is the preverbial stick in my wheel..
i mean is it because ive lost all the real friends i had and am now just melting into a crowd just to not be alone..
is it because i push myself away from people when i get nervous.. or sad.. or anything..
is it because my dad very well may die before i even graduate this year...
is it because my boyfriend hasnt spoken to me in at a week..
is it because im always alone..
even when im not..
is it because no one reaches out to touch me when i so desperately need to be touched..
is it because im just completely FUCKED IN THE HEAD
who knows.. i dont..
i dont even know if i want to..
but i want to be able to.. damn it...

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