I would never expect you
To know what it was like
To fight City Hall
And come close to losing your life in the process.

I would never expect you
To ever stand six inches
Away from the third rail.

I would never expect you
To see a subway rat close up.

I would never expect you
To see white and amber lights
Flash before your eyes
Knowing that they can kill you.

I would never expect you
To be as inebriated as I was
When the motor started roaring.

I would never expect you
To know what it feels like
To survive something
That could have easily claimed your life
And then get a second chance.

I would never expect you
To know what was going through my mind
When I jumped off of the platform
Onto the tracks.

I would never expect you
To know what it felt like to nearly die
And have none of your friends
Act like they gave a damn.

I would never expect you
To know how it was
Having flashbacks throughout the day
Envisioning a yellow circle with a Helvetica R
Taunting you as it got closer.

I would never expect you
To want to rip out the larynxes
Of people who trade stories
About this suicide attempt
Like Pokemon cards.

I would never expect you
To have a spiteful bitch of an ex-girlfriend
Who breaks up with you
And threatens to take you to court
Almost immediately after attempting
To free yourself from the trauma.

I would never expect you
To feel absolutely powerless
After being broken down
At a replica of Guantanamo Bay
Disguised as a mental hospital.

I would never expect you
To live with the constant threat
Of being hurt by a violent patient
Without being able to escape.

I would never expect you
To be around people once a week
Yet still feel stigmatized and alone.

I would never expect you
To know what any of these things feel like,

But,

I can take comfort in the fact
That maybe you won't judge me
For the sins I committed unconsciously.

I can take comfort in the fact
That maybe you will be shocked
When I mention that I have a mental health diagnosis,
Bipolar II with psychotic features to be exact.

I can take comfort in the fact
That you're getting to know me
And not my symptoms
Or my mood cycles.

I can take comfort in the fact
That I might be able to depend on you
If I do find myself getting symptomatic,
Especially in cases of depression and anxiety.

I can take comfort in the fact
That you will consider me a human being
Just like somebody who is chronically normal.

I can take comfort in the fact
That maybe you won't see me as weak
Because of what happened to me
At the City Hall subway station
In February of 2005.

I can take comfort in the fact
That there's a possibility you can love me.

I can take comfort in the fact
That I'm steadily closing my wounds
And opening my heart.

I can take comfort in the fact
That I can get back on my feet
After living on my knees.

I can take comfort in the fact
That for once,
I'm grateful to be alive.

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