Whenever I am at peace
I hear your voice.
The war begins.
My sense of self
Is what you conquer.
You torment me,
Even though my presence
Has not graced yours
In a decade.
I have not
Dared to step
Within the Malebolge
Better known as your office.
Many a night
I walk alone
As if I never left the eighth circle.
I was starved to the point
Where everyone knew
I had a backbone,
Bled so many buckets
I was a phlebotomist's aphrodisiac,
Strung out and dehydrated
Like the lush
I would become
Later in life.
You cut me a raw deal
And in turn I cut my wrists.
Was I so strange
That I hated the sound of my voice so much
That I rarely used it?
Was I abnormal
For not finding enough stamina
To string together an emotional rant
Or bitch about something every week?
Could it be construed as psychotic
That I had no melodrama.
I found idiosyncrasies
In the cold stares
You gave me during sessions.
Sitting like a monument.
Possessing the social aptitude of Lurch
And the physical awareness of Helen Keller.
You clearly thought I was nuts
And treated me as such.
As if I was sub human.
As if I was a raccoon
Ridden with rabies.
Fumbling towards leprosy.
You had everyone convinced that I was dangerous.
You never showed a trace of admiration.

Always criticizing
and judging
and analyzing
EVERY
SINGLE
DAMN
THING
I
SAID!!!

You wanted to find
The deeper meaning
Behind my asking for the time.
Lo and behold,
One innocent question
And one smart ass comment.
Led me to skip my treatment
And lift weights instead.
Of course,
This led you to believe
I was self-destructive.
At that point
You were not far from the truth.
I was.
But only after you berated me
On a weekly basis.
I remember that day
Extremely well
When you called my mother
Telling her I should rent a couch
Each weekday
For God knows how long.

You never witnessed the aftermath
Of all the feelings
I would continue
To bottle up.
Never there
When I mixed an emotional cocktail with vodka and Vicodin
Never there
When I was strained
Never there
When I was shaken
Never there
When I was stirred
Never there
When my ambitions were crushed like ice
Never there
When the glass shattered into millions of pieces
You were
NEVER!
FREAKIN!!
THERE!!!

I needed someone who gave a damn
I wanted empathy and sympathy alike.
Yearning for understanding
Was what I required.
Soon enough,
I found love.
Alcohol kissed me on the forehead.
Pills tucked me in at night.
Cigarettes fluffed my pillow.
I found spiritual guidance
And became one with the vomit.
My daily prayer
To the toilet.
My Lord and Saviour.
Even then He rarely heard my cries for mercy.
You molded me
Into a ceramic demon
You perceived me to be
And like a schmuck
I fulfilled that role.
You found a type
And cast me.
Should I be honored
Or horrified?
I am grateful
You never held my true emotions
In your behemoth hands.
They might have held the noose.
Your knees
Would have been the stool
Below the gallows.
You would chortle
And any sense of nirvana
I would find later in life.
You would find it ironic
That said state of psychological stability
Didn't involve drugs,
A gun,
And grunge music.
The more I think about it,
My entire experience
Knowing you
Was a huge joke
I forgot to laugh at.
Perfect timing.
Immaculate delivery.
Piss poor execution.
I may never see you again,
But if I do,
May the ides of my right hand
Serve as the rock
That pokes your third eye
Rendering your credentials
As useless as you made me feel.

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