Many a time, I thought I was better off without you,
Many a time, I celebrated the absence of aggravation I felt without you.
Many a time,
I lived my life pretending you never existed,
The damage was that severe.
A plethora of pain spread swiftly
Through my nerves.
Needless to say, I ended the excruciation,
Albeit temporarily.
Many a time, your memory stared me right in the face.
Too scared to respond,
I pushed you out of the way.
Many a time, you would not budge.
Many a time, I was too worn out to try anymore.
At this point, I realized that I needed you,
So I decided to touch base.
You were gone.
I never even bothered to look further.
Many a time, I wondered if you were thinking about me,
Regardless of whether you were lamenting
The loss of our relationship
Or cursing my name.
I remember picking up the phone and hearing your voice.
Many a time,
I wondered if this scenario would ever take place.
Many a time, I never knew how I would react.
That time was one of those times.
Yet somehow, I felt at ease.
Somehow,
I managed not to choke on the words I wanted to exclaim.
Somehow, I managed to stay grounded.
Many a time,
I wondered if hearing your voice was too good to be true.
Many a time,
I thought I would never see or hear from you
After the conversation ended.
Many a time,
I thought I was pouring salt into all my emotional wounds.
Many a time, I assumed that it would never work out,
Given how strong-willed both of us are.
What I expected came true after seeing you,
And the bad feelings resurfaced from underneath the façade
That was my thick skin.
Once again, I resumed my life from where I last left it.
Many a time, I felt guilty for not giving you a chance to heal.
Many a time, I deluded myself into thinking that I did heal.
If only I had a bucket filled with all the tears I shed
While I suffered behind my bedroom door.
Neither one of us would be able to carry it,
The angst was that massive.
Many a time, I crucified myself for the ways I wronged you
In conjunction with blaming you
For all the things that went wrong in my life.
Many a time, I was so withdrawn,
This guilt would have lasted lifetimes.
Many a time, I would panic.
Cold sweats would drown out everybody around me.
My face would feel magnetically pulled
Toward the palms of my hands.
Thoughts and meditations would only mask regret.
Never would the odor be completely removed.
Many a time, I could have sworn that I knew
Exactly when you were struggling,
Almost as if the pigeon inhabiting your mind
Sent me a rush delivery
Containing a negative status report
That would soon be followed by a phone call
Confirming receipt of your subliminal message.
Many a time, I dreaded history repeating itself yet again.
Many a time, I broke down at the thought of more tension.
Many a time, you felt the same way.
If all of the interpersonal waste were cast aside,
Resolved with each other and within ourselves,
What emanates from the subtraction would be amazing,
Maybe even euphoric.
Many a time, I would like to see what we had resurrect itself.
Many a time, I have predicted that the feeling was mutual.
Many a time, I still love you
And if I had a say in the intensity of the feelings I emote,
I would feel that way all the time.

If you [Log In] as a member you can discuss this work with others