Plummeting into the portal of pleasureless paralysis.
Dropping into the ditch of despair and depression.
Falling into the foxhole filled with feelings
That were a far cry from felicity.
Those were my activities on that Friday morning.

Memories of these moments
Remain in my mind
And on the stairwell of my school
Where steps are trampled upon by truant teens.
Before choosing to change the status of my vitality,
Confusion and conflict were carved into my cranium,
As well as my wrists, neck, stomach, and legs.
Every orifice absorbed all forms of alcohol
From Absolut to isopropyl.
It was the juice running through the pipeline
Between mouth and shot glass.
It did not matter.

I said that every day.
I said that for three years
Before I wholeheartedly held the noose.
As densely populated as my social sphere may have been,
A smaller, less spacious sphere
Surrounded me from within that sphere.
I was left to asphyxiate,
Suffocate,
Hallucinate,
Degenerate,
Palpitate,
Mutilate,
Mutate,
Incinerate…
All resulting in being internally irate.
Out of the blue,
My head filled the cipher of the noose,
Nuzzling the notch of my neck as my noggin
Neared the noxious netherworld.
I hardly hovered from those steps.
I survived the self-inflicted sanctions.

For several weeks,
I wondered why I had not succeeded.
Why were my self and soul not separated?
What could I have had to live for.
Too many tomorrows passed by
And I had not felt better on any of them.

My purpose is still not clear,
But that knowledge is not necessary.
This became my mantra.
I know I am here
And I know I will stay.

Sometimes I feel corroded
Under my skin.
I hope to never traverse down
Curving roads of masochism.
I am not
Doomed to live in solitude
Every day of my life.

I will never be alone again.

If you [Log In] as a member you can discuss this work with others