"“Muslim Removal Act”" by GrandaddyBonegrinder
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The Arkwright Weekly News Wednesday, October 06, 2004 Washington, DC: According to a memo leaked to the Arkwright Weekly News last Thursday; Secretary of Defense Ronald Dumsfeld has finished drafting the latest version of the Patriot Act, entitled “Manifest Destiny”. Insiders report that many of the ideas for this new Patriot Act were taken directly from the Indian Removal Act of 1830. Supported wholeheartedly by Indian fighter turned President, Andrew Jackson, the Indian Removal Act provided for the forced resettlement of Native Americans to lands west of the Mississippi River. In order to address more current issues, the Push administration has revised the law and renamed it the “Muslim Removal Act”. It is expected to be rubberstamped in the Republican controlled House and Senate early this week without debate. In a follow-up move most Conservatives are calling shear brilliance; President Push has now put the Bureau of Indian Affairs in charge of all US foreign policy. Mr. Push told reporters that the updated and modernized BIA would now report directly to US War Department. “Don’t you mean the Defense Department?” a reporter from Box News immediately questioned. The President simply stared off onto space for a while and then left the podium. “It’s time for all Americans to get back to their roots”, Secretary of Defense Dumsfield thundered at a press conference in Dallas on Mothers Day. “As God’s chosen people, it is not only our duty, it is our holy obligation the carry the word of the Lord to the poor ungodly heathens, and to bring democracy to the uncivilized nations of the world”. “This is the Manifest Destiny so dearly held by our Christian forefathers’, he concluded, “It’s what good Christians do”. “And its’ only the beginning!” the Secretary of Defense sneered at a Chinese reporter as he left the conference. Initially it had been reported that the revised manifest destiny design had been communicated to the President in a message from God in a dream, however, reliable sources have determined that the idea actually originated at a cookout at the Push ranch in Texas. Insiders confirm the fact, that during a Middle East discussion between his father George Push Senior, Ronald Dumsfield and Vice President Dick Shamey, a semi-sober President staggered over from the beer tent and interrupted: “Y’all want a solution? I’ll give y’all a Gawd-damn solution…, I say we put every one of them heathen sons-a-bitches on reservations, just like we done with the Gawd-damn Indians”. “That’s what Gawd would want us to do ,,, ain’t that right uncle Dick?” The “Muslin Removal Act” 1) First and foremost, our good Christian leaders will pray to God for peace and guidance, and ask the Lord to show his ultimate mercy on the poor, ignorant heathens that occupy our lands in the Middle East. 2) Second, all the Muslim nations will be simultaneously introduced to virulent strains of Small Pox, Measles, Chicken Pox, Malaria, Yellow Fever, Influenza, Whopping Cough, and Bubonic Plague, just like the original Natives were infected here in the Americas. This will be accomplished through massive “crop dusting” like spraying techniques, and by dropping of contaminated supplies and foodstuffs from retrofitted B57 bombers based in Great Britain and Israel. The current Muslim populations have virtually no immunity to these diseases, so the death rate is expected to be approximately 60% to 80% much like the original Columbian exchange. During a recent interview at the new multi-billion dollar McDonalds Disease for Peace Complex, with US military, senior bio-technician Major Ibesel Frighteous, this reporter was assured that the mortality rate “would probability be much higher than estimated”. “Our team developed and tested these new strains of ultra-deadly disease right here in Atlanta”, the Major asserted, “So we know for a fact they will do a good job”. The prominent government scientist ended his interview with “God bless the USA” and “God bless George W. Push”. 3) After US deployed disease has eliminated 2/3 of the Muslim population, the survivors will be relocated to their new lands, their new “sovereign nations”, all if which are located in predefined areas of the Sahara desert. A combined Israeli and US military coalition will force-march the survivors to their respective reservations, actively pursuing any “renegades” and killing with equal enthusiasm any man, woman or child that does not “embrace the relocation program”. 4) Beginning immediately upon the arrival at their new lands, and for the next three-generations, all Muslim children ages 4 and above will be removed from their families and sent to one of the new Black & Decker boarding school complexes where they will be civilized, McDonaldized and Christianized. At age 16 they will be returned to their families to help work the arid land and to spread the word of the Lord. 5) Finally, the relocated Muslims will be granted American citizenship with the same social status as their American counterparts, making them immediately eligible for all welfare benefits, food stamps and alcohol abuse programs. They will also be allowed to sell cheap gas, low cost cigarettes, and will be permitted to build gambling casinos on their sovereign land as long as 50% of all profits are returned to their protectorate, the United States. A majority of European and Asian nations, along with all of Muslimdom expressed total outrage at the United States during an emergency meeting called by the United Nations Security Council last weekend. At its conclusion, the Council was unanimous in demanding the US repeal its new foreign policy of Manifest Destiny immediately. However, United States Ambassador to the UN, Mann E. Crimes, adamantly dismissed the charges as ridiculous. “The taking of lands, wealth and labor from indigenous people, in exchange for the tenets of Christianity has always been the foundation of American policy, it’s nothing new”. “In fact, he concluded angrily, “I challenge anyone to show me one square foot of American soil that wasn’t taken by either force or deceit from its original owners” … In related news: stocks prices soared again today …. Copyright 2004 GrandaddyBonegrinder
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On Sunday May 14th, 2006, Ainsof (1866) writes:
American policy, it's nothing new" hahaha "At its conclusion, the Council was unanimous in demanding the US repeal its new foreign policy of Manifest Destiny immediately" lmfao
On Sunday May 14th, 2006, Ainsof (1866) writes:
OMFG... this is fukkin too much.. all bush bashers must read this fuckin hilarious.. better satire than The Onion:taking of lands, wealth and labor from indigenous people, in exchange for the tenets of Christianity has always been the foundation of Americ
On Sunday January 30th, 2005, Chimauron (119) writes:
I fail to see how brutaly slandering one's own nation is genius, but this is pretty damned funny... you should write for the Daily Show. :)
On Thursday October 7th, 2004, An Expired Member (55) writes:
i'd just like to say how much i love your poetry, and i dont think i'm the only one. you ARE a genius!
On Wednesday October 6th, 2004, Six-Out (1799) writes:
*sigh* I love you, in that totally non-sexual way...I think. ;)
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