I.

I watch a time clock.
Happiness is such an odd and stale thing.
It envelopes us, makes us crimson.
Vibrating with it’s every pulse.
Filling ourselves with light.
And exploding all over the world.

And yet we are blind to it.
We ignore it’s intensity
It’s unending effect on us.

Oh, we know, yes, we know
But never quite understand.

Till it’s gone.
And we are left in grey again.
Falling down that bottomless grey
Never quite reaching the full-fledged comfort of black.

And then we see.

We see that light
Of what we had been
But are no more.

And then it sinks in

The Lord giveth

And the Lord taketh away.


II.

Temptation, let me not fall into thee
Like blind Oedipus
Sleeping With His Mother
Again

My enemy
Look me not in the eye
Again

I have no use for that blue

No use at all for that blue.


III.


God help me
I do not want
I do not need
A Shepherd here

All I need
Is to learn
To sow my seeds
And reap them all

All I need
Is to be my own Prodical Son
And learn to forgive me

Lord Help me
All I need
Is to learn to deal with me.


IV.


I need to crawl again.
I need to run again.
To crash against a wall.
To fall into a well.
To waken my will.
And give up my will.

This hell
This hell

Like Virgina Woolf
And her hours
Always, the hours

And I’m always with myself
All these hours
I must spend in the company of myself

So inject me something
Some strange ink that will make me cry
Or some strange blood that will make me sicken
Or some strange happiness that will make me forget

For I am here
The Lord is always the Lord
And He doesn’t care
If my skin isn’t thinning
And my life isn’t thickening

And I understand why Van Gogh
Would drink his own paint.

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