I think it all started with Andy.
He was my best friend in Utah.
Popular, like minded, and friendly -
But he always toar down Monty and Chris.
They where my other 2 best friends.
Monty was on the cover of Time Magazine
A gifted Child, to say the least.
Adopted into a great family
I was so jealous.
Thats my first understanding of betrayal.
I never really got it when mom and dad did it.
I still don't understand what happened with them.

Yeah, it started with him.
When i moved away I only tried to get ahold of him once.
I cut him out so i didn't miss him.
I never even attempted to contact the others.
See, Andy knew me. He was cool with who i was.
14 and I can't say i've had a real friend since.
Now, 7 years later, i have one i do trust.
My roomate and brother... But we're so different.
He knows I won't let him know a lot of things about me.
So i guess i don't really trust him... we're both just ok with that.

What a mess I am tonight.
I'm in love with a girl who can't seem to get me.
And she's so far away... with her girlfriend.
She's got no idea what I feel like.
How could she? She's had someone for all her life.
A family... A great girl...
God....
What a mess.

So I wait all week for our one chance to talk to each other.
Saturday night when she babysits her nephews.
She never logs into yahoo
Never calls...
Now i'm sure there's a reason
I know she loves me and she wanted to talk to me
But I realized just how alone i really am.
It really hurts, now.
I've been alone for so long.
I used to take pride in it. I believed.
I rejected all of the life i was given
Even the women who wanted to be a part of it.
Until her.
She reminded me I still had a heart,
And that maybe I might be understood one day.

I hate how that sounds... But it's honestly all i've got.
I'm truly alone, not just crying about feeling that way.
I'm misunderstood, not just confused and neglected.
Everyone assumes they know me. They can predict me.
They have no clue who i am.
And therefore, I'm totally alone.

My mom was right the last time we spoke
"My son is dead" is all she said to me.
You all know what i mean by that...
You've heard it before.
Equating numbness and coldness with death...
It's true.

The fact my mom was right again... I hate it.

So, now i've got a few options.
I can hope in a love triangle/long distance relationship.
I can break it off with her and... I can't even think about it.
I can quit my job and leave my home and move to her.
Last time i did that I ended up getting kicked out.
But I can't stand this empty life, without anyone in it.

Or i can give up. Finally let what i love in me die.
I can become one of them. The nameless and useless faces.
Just work for things that make me feel better about myself.
Meet some chick that thinks i'm funny.
Fuck her til i'm bored and leave her...
Just be "Normal".
I can do it, too. But, I don't know if i would ever be happy.
I just keep getting deeper and deeper.
More and more in need of the love i can't seem to find.
Even when i find a girl who loves me and i love back,
I can't have her.
She's all i have that reminds me, now.
She reminds me the nice guy doesn't always finish last...
And then she proves me wrong.
So here i am... Overthinking and undersexed.
I don't get to feel the beauty in life
Even though it seems i'm the only one on earth who sees it.
I only want to feel like i can stop breathing
And somebody would remember. Someone would miss me.
Anyone. I wan't these waves of emotion to stop crashing on my back.

I want a place where i can be myself. I want a girl who loves me.
I want music and laughter. Learning and stories.
I want to be respected for what i've done with my life,
Instead of ridiculed.

And all i've got is this one itty bitty little thing.
And it means so much...
There is no other person on earth who could, in their wildest dreams, be like me. I am unique. And not in that stupid snowflake way.

Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing only time will tell.

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