i have
a will to live

it may seem odd

i mean, c'mon now
if there was ever
a headcase
a poster child
for suicide
it should be me

right?

i went through those days
of slicing wrists
and refusing food
like all the other girls i know

apparently
hating yourself
is in our chromosomes…
as a girl
i was born
with a self loathing
that is as natural
and common
to a girl
as breasts are…

i got lost
somewhere along the tightrope
of prude and slut
depression seized me
nightmares
of rape
and broken hearts
were everyday occurances…
i spent
the
"best years of my life"
in hospitals
learning how to deal with reality…

you believed
that i would
probably
never amount to much
tried to keep it secret
but you didn't expect
me
to move past 16…
i could see it in your eyes
doomed to be
another teenage suicide
just a statistic
to be marked off and forgotten

meanwhile
i
took my pills
religiously
hated myself
almost as devotedly
i was too miserable to cut myself
and too tired to care

there were nights
i told myself
i had nothing left to live for…

but then

then

a little birdie spoke to me

i got off the medications
slimmed down, and saw
that i was beautiful
and
not only
because *he* said so
but
because i was…

i became inspired
driven
strong…

because

i realized

i have
this
will to live
to love
to succeed…

specifically
because i know

it will piss you off

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