random rushes
of desire
of longing
the tugging of heartstrings
playing your tune
the smallest things
remind me of you
( a word
a picture
a subject
sometimes even people )
and then I'm stuck
completely preoccupied
whilst trying to go about my day
( who cares about
history and
how we won our independence
when I could be thinking about you? )
I say your name
inside myself
and it echoes
because I'm empty
and I'm craving you
it's hunger
and it hurts
physically hurts
I can't handle it
and hurt myself
.
I've beaten myself up
( "stop being so stupid"
I tell myself
"he's only a man"
but you're the man I love )
I've tried to suffocate myself
seen how long I could last
before my Will to survive
overcame my Will to discipline
I skip a meal or two
not for some pro-ana cause
but because that hunger
that emptiness
I can justify
and focus upon
.
I just want to see you
I could stare at you for hours
I imagine lying there together
I want to lose myself
inside your eyes
( the only eyes I've seen that seem to look right through me
they intimidate me
I feel naked when I know you're watching me
I love it )
.
I want to get closer to you
be able to smell you
touch you
taste you
I want to meet lips
close my eyes
feel your hand along my neck
and your tongue overcome my mouth
( I can't watch romantic movies anymore
not my preferred genre anyway
but now they make me especially lonely )
.
I know as well as you
that once we got there
we wouldn't turn back
we wouldn't stop
we'd be unleashed
and we both seem to know
that we'd have to stop
( could we? )
.
it's like bondage
physical restraint
( I won't touch you
as if you might burn me
but oh how I desire to
no matter what pain it might bring me )
emotional restraint
I don't want to frighten you away
with what I feel for you
( I try to keep my mouth shut
on the subject most of the time )
it's mental restraint
trying to stop
building memories on words not spoken
actions not played
.
they keep telling me
anticipation's the best part
I still want to believe it
but fuck
it'd better be worth it
whether it is or not
I'm here
and I'm not going anywhere
because I still have some
fucked up version of faith
I'm living by
.
but oh my gods
it hurts

#82

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