I hated myself today.

I wanted nothing more
than to pick up the phone
dial your number
and tell you I love you.

But I couldn't.

The number is unlisted.
Four years made my fingers forget
how to reach you.

I hated myself for forgetting.

I needed you today.
Pacing sterilized white halls;
green smocks and
strange faces
my only source of comfort.
I thought of you.

You should have been there
pacing along with me.
You should have been there
as my shoulder.
Just as I wasn't for you.

I hated myself for not being there.

I drove by your home
on the way to mine.
I wanted to stop in
just to say hello.
To say I miss you.
My excuses held me back.

It was raining.
I was cold.
I didn't have any flowers.
Besides,
you'll be there tomorrow.

I hated myself as I drove on.

Walking into my room
I saw your picture on my windowsill.
And my dresser.
And my walls.
With newspaper clippings
folded printed card
other random mementos.
I told myself I was over you.
Looking around,
I see I must have forgotten that part.

I hated myself for being blind.
...and loved you all the more.

They say Superman died yesterday.
I say that happened four years ago.
and I'm still not over it...

Fuck yesterday.
I hated myself today.

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