I miss you most when it rains.

There's just something about
the way everything
melts together,
becoming one.
Objects are blurred
so I can only make out vague shapes.

I hardly remember your face now.
It's blurry and faded.
Pictures don't help.
You've melted into the shell
of a boy I once knew.
A boy I once loved.
Do you remember that night?
We danced in the rain
and screamed
and promised it'd never change...you lied..
You held me, and
I clung to you.
I still haven't let go...
It rained the day of your funeral.
It only seemed fitting.

I don't know if it was a raindrop
or a tear
that smeared my mascara.
It doesn't really matter which.
They're both pretty much the same.

Either way, the tissue was once white and perfect,
then turned grey and shredded.

Closed casket, Christian ceremony.
Hard to have an open casket
with the back of your head on your bedroom wall.
And you weren't Christian.

The lights fade, and a dream sequence
takes us back
to the night we met.

Spinning chairs
in a drunken and stoned stupor.
You fell over, and I helped you up.
I loved you from that moment.
It rained that night at the park.
You forgot your papers,
I forgot my pipe.
We didn't care.
We used a can.
We were rebels.
We were so young...

Fast forward a bit.
"Hey, Rachel. Call Wal-Mart.
See if they sell Rainbow Crack."
"John, you're crazy.
Call them yourself."
So you did.
They thought it was a toy.
You told them it was a drug.
They transferred you to the Pharmacy.

We laughed for hours.

I wish I could remember
exactly how you looked.
The way you smelled.
How it felt to hug you...

But I can't.

Try as hard as I might.
I tried so, so hard...
I can see you sitting there,
shining steel in hand.
If I had been there,
would you have stopped?
A month later, I sat there too.
Sparkling silver.
I couldn't do it.

It was raining when they told me what you'd done.

My tears were raindrops.
The raindrops were my tears.

I miss you most when it rains.

It's raining again.
And I miss you...

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