i am scared of the boogie man
i have looked for a book or video
to teach me how not to get eaten
by big bad boogie monsters
i have looked
in the library
in the book stores
and even online
the closest thing i have found
is something about zombies
(which i read of course)
because zombies are monsters too
but it didn't cover the entire spectrum
of the available
big bad boogie monsters

anyway
i digress

back to the subject at hand

so i watch a lot of scary movies
because i figure i can learn
everything i need about how not to get eaten
by the big bad boogie monsters
from the mistakes the movie people make
enabling them to be eaten
by the big bad boogie monsters

this is what i have learned so far:

1) Never, ever, NEVER, wear a matching bra and panties.
I have yet to see UNMATCHED underwear revealed during a death struggle with a big bad boogie monster.
Limp, elastically challenged granny panties are KRYPTONITE to big bad boogie monsters.

2) For the love of God (or entity of your choice) do NOT separate.
Stay together, in a huddle, TOGETHER, not apart, in clear view of each other at all times.
Someone ALWAYS gets eaten by the big bad boogie monster when separation occurs.

3) Don't go UP, up the stairs, up the mountain side, up the ANYTHING!
When you get to the top, WHERE exactly do you think you are going next?
Consider yourself PLATED for the dining pleasure of the big bad boogie monster, if you go UP.

4) Do not drive up deserted, lightless, potholed OLD roads.
These are the FAVORED hunting grounds of the big bad boogie monster.
If you MUST drive up deserted, lightless, potholed old roads, be prepared.
Have enough gas to GUARANTEE you will not run out. A SPARE container of gas in the trunk is recommended.
No convertibles and windows MUST be rolled up at all times.
Your human body parts (that you'd like to keep) should be firmly encapsulated inside a vehicle at ALL times.

5) Do not stop, EVER, no matter how quaint, or rustic, or kodak momenty that old cabin looks on that deserted, lightless, potholed old road.
These are essentially the roach motels of the big bad boogie monster. Humans go in, NO one comes out.

6) If you MUST investigate that noise in the basement, go as group (see rule 2).
Additionally, if the bulb blows at the exact moment you tug the chain on the light, TURN and run like hell!
There is ALWAYS a big bad boogie monster at the bottom of the unlit stairs.

As I have yet to be eaten by a big BAD boogie monster, the above has some MERIT, no?

ADDENDUM
Courtesy of NikesRain

7) A mini skirt and 5" stiletto heels are NEVER, ever appropriate clothing for a wooded area.
Such attire is GUARANTEED to attract attention. On 5" heels you look like a POPSICLE to the big bad boogie monsters.
You are most certainly going to FALL during the ensuing chase.
(Not to mention how RIDICULOUS you look cavorting in the woods in that getup in the first place)
You fall, usually over a log concealed under FALL leaves (how ironic is THAT?).
Anyway, the big bad boogie monsters gets there quick because they adhere to the 5 second rule.*

*For those who are unfamiliar with the 5 second rule it is as follows:
Any food that falls to the floor and is RETRIEVED within 5 seconds is deemed edible.

Many MANY thanks to NikesRain for pointing out my glaring oversight.
Jeesh, somebody COULD have died!

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