DarkPoetry -|- BethanyBallet -|- School, School, School

School, School, School

i look around
i hear the sounds
this people filled place of "learning"

they teach us to read
they teach us to count
but why so early in the morning

i ask myself every day at 6
why i must go through this again

i think of my parents and how
they wish
they could start all over again

i believe if they could come back in the midst of all the time
i would not be as wise as i am
and my life would not be as fine

i have been somewhere where talking surrounds me
and breathing is just a game

but to the little boy in the corner of the world
i will come play with you
we can be there for each other just as my family is for me

Okay, I seriously thought this poem was going somewhere but I guess i was just ranting..
Any thoughts on how to help clear my head?
I am at school in a computer class.. With nothing productive to do..

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Comments on School, School, School

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On Wednesday May 21st, 2008, An Expired Member (29) writes:

How about..after "they could start all over again"...To see each other for who they are and who they were going to be..My sister and I would be just fine..knowing we had a complete family. Time changed like classes do with each passing year--the memories once held so close are now no where near. A junior to be in all my splendor, with words of lavish joy I will remember...School at 6am "Why I would go through it again."

On Wednesday May 21st, 2008, An Expired Member (29) writes:

Yes, I do beleive it is true that your parents wish they could start all over again...but then YOU truly would not be YOU...Perfectly Imperfect and a "Prize"

On Tuesday April 29th, 2008, Rebell tiGer King (545) writes:

i hardly have anything productive to do, this cheers me up some :D -symph-

On Thursday April 17th, 2008, Alanarchy (1698) writes:

I really did like this. It did seem to tumble out of it's original context after the line; "and my life would not be as fine" The next two lines were okay, but after that, I felt like you started to loose me. I'd expand on the "I think of my parents and how they wish they could start all over again" dot dot dot. I really liked that train of thought, and I thought it was a shame you didn't shade it in more.

On Saturday April 19th, 2008, BethanyBallet (26) writes:

Thanks so much for the help, I was trying to concentrat at school, and I did come up with very many "Poems" in that one little one.. So I am going to pick out and build on and then post it for DP. Thanks again for the ideas Alanarchy... I appreciate the help!

On Thursday April 17th, 2008, Alanarchy (1698) writes:

"i have been somewhere where talking surrounds me and breathing is just a game" Left alone, those two lines seem a bit melodramaticly dark, in an otherwise melancholly, and slightly humorous opening. But, they can be used effectively if you built them up more. Lead up to them, instead of just having them all there, and stark. Can be used as repetition too, to give them more effect if you did it right. I don't know if you know what I mean by that :D and I can't tell you how. I just hope i'm maybe giving you some ideas.

On Thursday April 17th, 2008, Alanarchy (1698) writes:

The little boy in the corner of the world thing, was a little strange to me, and felt a little too far out of context. Maybe that's just me. Maybe that's another thing you can build up to, instead of just airing it out there plainly. It WAS interesting, but It's presentation was a little off. Like I said, I'd like to see you build upon "my parents wish..." and maybe tie some of these out there, but still very cool and creative ideas together nice and neat. But hey, these are my opinions. Feel free to completely disregard them. That'd be better. It seems you feel like this is unfinished, and I would love to see you do this in your own unique way. Killer start, though. I really did enjoy the read so far.

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