I can’t find a bit of the old me.
That’s all it is, she’s just gone.
I have a few new cuts tonight,
A few more pretty red tattoos,
And I sit with my face cold and dead,
The way she’s taught me to be.
What more do I know how to do?
I’ve failed you.
I’ve failed you though I promised not to
But then again promises are worthless, aren’t they?
I feel this passion rise up in me again,
This haughty hate
For all of you, my dearest friends,
And I WALLOW in the pity of it:
Pathetic Raven, you’re the only one who buys your sarcasm.
I hate that my plans have been ruined,
Sacrificed for your contentment,
As always, mamma dearest, as always.
Mommy knows best…
But the face behind my eyes mocks you.
And I’ve become so cold, so calculating,
A cynical, sardonic bitch
That watches from behind her attitude.
You worthless shit.
Who ever said they’d side with you?
I’d forgotten all the spiteful words
The little people in my head throw at me.
It hadn’t happened in a while.
And I honestly can’t find her anymore, that little girl in the pictures.
Amanda.
Wasn’t that her name?
She isn’t there anymore, isn’t anywhere.
And I search her eyes for some truth,
Hoping she knew what would become of me,
But her shining eyes
Are nothing like the ones that sear through me in the mirror.
I’m not the same little girl.
I think I lost her somewhere along the line,
Somewhere between mommy’s screams
And little baby’s tantrums
And the pretty little knife I found when I was ten
And the boy who said he owned me-
Remember that, in seventh grade, Raven?-
And daddy’s slamming doors
And mommy’s cigarettes
And boys I kissed in darkness
And the girl who said she loved me
And the scarlet jewelery on my wrists,
Somewhere along all of this I lost the little girl.
And no matter how hard I try I can’t make my eyes shine as pretty as hers.
And when I look at her in pictures,
The sweet little thing with her teddy and her ribbon
All dolled up, pretty pretty little doll,
I can’t help but what wonder
What I’d have to do
To bring her back to me.

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