my life has never made sense
and I wonder often why I could never grasp
onto life.
onto love.

I was told recently that I’m
“hippy-ish”
That I
dont think.
and I act without a care as
to what will happen in the future.

i want so many things
but I don’t have
the respect for myself
to go after them.
To grasp onto them and hold them tight.

I want love.
I want
pure
undying
passionate
boundless
.love.

I have found it before.
I have found that love,
only to leave it all behind for something.
Someone.
I thought might be better for me.
Didn’t seem to realize
at the time
that the person I left him for was unbridled and moody.
Not at all the way I had dreamt him up.

Why can’t I just let myself be happy?
I hate people like me.
I hate people who whine
about life
but don’t make it any better for themselves.
I’m no better.

I hide
my feelings of anguish inside
because I know
if there’s anyone out there like me

They don’t want to hear it.

I go through life.
Stagnant.
Wishing for a freak accident
To happen upon myself so that maybe I haven’t screwed up enough to still be missed. And not looked upon as such a failure.
To myself.
To everyone.

I haven’t failed yet.

And I will
keep trudging
this road to my
unhappy
destiny.

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