Am I?

Am up then down again
this is me
then back up again
sometimes within minutes
am I Bipolar?
What do you think?
give me a diagnosis baby,
call me mad bad and sad
pack me off to padded cell sumptuous softness
where nothing can hurt anymore
except my own head,
which hurts a'plenty all on its own.

Look mummy I can be as mad as you!
Now will you love me?

Negative love syndrome bollocks shit damn,
Is freedom even possible at all?
Or another magician’s illusion dangled in front of our eyes to cause internal despair…
freedom exists,
but where? ?
Is it here or there?
Anywhere or nowhere at all….

I am lost in this haze,
this daze
of you and myself,
phenomenologically speaking I think I love you –
the only problem is,
that I don’t believe in love anymore,

my cynicism cuts me to the bone,
my deep seated,
ingrained,
indoctrinated belief
that heaven is actually hell…
can you tell?
The difference between that and anything at all?

Mind swirls in endless circles
all roads lead to nowhere at all,
we’re on the road to nowhere,
lets take that ride baby.

If only I could let go of the nagging belief that there is a somewhere,
a place called home,
the one my soul yearns for each and every day…
hey baby will you take me there?

 Petra Creffield 2005

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