what can i say to you now?

my life has been a series of ups and downs,
where i felt unknown to myself
and cut off from the world.

i found so much happiness with you (both of you),
i took comfort in your embrace for so long,
[maybe its time for me to let go]
and im not sure if my self will allow me to move forward
without you.

i have tried endlessly to give you my love,
but maybe you found my love
a bit to revolting or obscure,
or maybe my love was to subtle to for you to comprehend.

i know you cant love me
(or what you call this part of me)
but this is me,
and i cant change myself for you.

i find myself unable to close this part of myself in a box,
and push it away to the confines of my inner closet.
maybe im not trying hard enough,
or maybe its just something thats meant to be...

i have finally found myself,
and im sorry you arent willing to be there to watch me,
prosper,
and bloom,
and to reach my potential.
because you cant fathom prosperity
outside your views of righteousness.

one day, when the sky cracks above me,
ill have a new umbrella to shield me
from the rain that you have foretold.
(i think you wish muddy roads upon me)

i can finally love myself,
and i cant give that up
i wont hate myself for you.
[my love will prove sufficient against your eminent rains]
please dont hate me for loving myself
i have hated myself for so long,
i never thought myself good enough for your love
and maybe im not,
but at least i deserve my own.

ill try and live a life
that is as pleasing as possible.
{given the circumstances}
but thats about all i can give you
i wont pretend be something im not,
and i wont accept your reprobated mind.
[side note: He loves me past my faults]

i cant say i will miss the fruits of your love
its been so long since ive tasted them.
perhaps one day ill find a fruit that is meant for my lips,
something pure,
that reaches far past the bounds of right and wrong.
[i long to satisfy my hunger for a love fruit]

i cant promise not to resent you,
for making me hate myself for so long
and for making me feel alone and disgusted,
but i can promise you my love (always unconditional)
forever, and ill pray for your well being,

even if you dont wish for mine....

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