constant conjuring of thought
has left me awake, bewildered, and distraught.
i lie here in the midnight,
quiet, ashamed, and alone.
ashamed to find myself alone in this quiet home.
so many things i have done,
so many people that are now gone.
i chase away the love and i live then in fear,
in fear that love will never again be here.
where am i to go, what am i to do?
my lack of a social life is building a cage,
a cage in which i fear i shall remain.
i have not the desire nor the need,
it's more of a passion for there to be more than me.

slowly the thoughts of loneliness fade,
and the thoughts of finances invade.
i want to get out, i want so much more.
i want a life of comfort,
is this all my fate holds in store?
out on my own since the age of seventeen,
five years of independence all down the drain.
for now, here i sit, living in my mother's domain.
i tried so hard to build my life,
i tried so hard on my own...
and here i am without a job, money, car, or a home.

finances fade and become question of faith,
is this all just a punishment for me,
because i never did choose to believe?
is it the hand of God showing me
just how rough life can really be?
is it he merely showing what i had,
and making me see that maybe it wasnt so bad?
did i take it all for granted, and am i paying dear?
for my mistakes, am i now destined to live my greatest fear?
to live and die alone, to forever feel as i do, right now and right here?

thoughts of the future swarm the darkness,
can i change it all? can i be so much more?
is it too late to change what fate has in store?
i dont wish to be anyone else, but i do wish to be more...

the alarm breaks the silence as the sun breaks the curtain line...
i laid myself down at eleven...it's now quarter to nine...
this is why sleep evades me, this is why i write,
thoughts and fear haunt my night...
time to get up, time to live another day of my so-called life.

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