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"Ferverous Vagaries" by hate_doll

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If it were left to me,

my body would depart

from matter, and everything

kinetic and static in between

would be meaningless, temporal.

My nerves would make love

to the tide, cradled in the ocean,

as the moon gently rocked us.

I would be an embassador

to the core of the earth.

Fire would be nothing to me

but a diplomatic ally, as

we danced under meteors

and fossils of dinosaurs.



If it were left to me,

the intersection between

them and us would not

be a battleground,

where heroes are praised

for dirty tricks and tactics.

Statues wouldn't stand in vain,

sobbing for the culture lost

in Hollywood lifelessness.



My wishes would come true
And my dreams would bloom


...whytt*06

[[needs stronger ending, I know]]




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On Thursday September 21st, 2006, TropicalSnowstorm (747) writes:
This was a very beautiful vision with great imagery - I agree with your last statement, though...however, I don't think what you ended with is bad, so much as it just shouldn't be the end.


On Thursday September 21st, 2006, TropicalSnowstorm (747) writes:
I think the section before the last two lines would serve well for a middle stanza, and hen the last two lines could start a new stanza of about the same length as the first one.


On Thursday September 21st, 2006, TropicalSnowstorm (747) writes:
I love the word choices and imagery so much in the first section that I think it should end with something similar. So far, you covered "your temporal shell", "society" and it might be natural to end with an


On Thursday September 21st, 2006, TropicalSnowstorm (747) writes:
exploration of your relationship to other people (or a particular person) in a last stanza, where you explore physical limitations to the kind of soul to soul intimacy you are exploring in terms of your environment in the first section.


On Thursday September 21st, 2006, TropicalSnowstorm (747) writes:
Anyway, that's just my two cents worth - it looks from the posting date that maybe you have set this one aside long enough to allow yourself to come back to it freshly. As I say, lovely piece! Ciao, T/S


On Tuesday April 18th, 2006, Blood of Winter (367) writes:
Damn you for being such a gifted writer, everytime I read you I am reminded of why I can stop coming back.


On Monday April 17th, 2006, batman nipples (2243) writes:
I'm left wanting more.. insatiable.. your conviction is astounding.. gods, how I've missed your words. I want to sing them lullabies.


On Monday April 17th, 2006, NikesRain (1420) writes:
it's still lovely and painted such vivid moving pictures and thoughts, smoothly done and said.... and by the way... welcome back.. we missed you ;)



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Printed from www.DarkPoetry.com/dp/1231/81032 on Tuesday December 02nd, 2008 05:26 AM

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