Dear,
           You

I've been thinking of you, but that only gets so far.
Then I begin to feel hate boil under my skin and I feel
a monster open up out of my chest. I try not to cry
as I think of you, and I keep my head up. Chin pointed
out towards nothing. This is what it feels like holding
a constant lump in my throat. It's been so long but I
still remember what you were like. The things you laughed
at, and the people you loved. I'm surprised that I can
still write about you, that I can even calmly think of you.
Without bashing my fists through the wall. I go through
the things, the letters the thoughts. That I shared with
you. You were the only person who understood me to
the pinpoint. You left me alone. You left me so alone.
That I drowned in a haze of nothingness. Nobody to
find me, just the cold corpses of the forgotten. Yet,
will never forget you, will we? I look down the streets,
some times in a after thought. I look up, I look down.
I turn around on my heels searching for you. But, I know
inside you won't appear. I remember the way I felt.
When you made me laugh so hard I felt my heart jump
into my throat. We used to write together, and we were
so close we were like lovers. But, we were just friends.
Soaring along the heavens filling the void that was seeped
into our bones.

I know I can hate you now. And I know that every day, I'll
regret knowing you. This is what it feels like to feel betrayed.
But, I wonder if you really intended it. Or it just happened in
its own way. Every day I sunk into another pill, and another
way to forget. As the days swirled into one long one, I forgot
what it was like to feel. You took everyone away, into that world
where I was left drifting. Nobody to listen to my pain. I never
had the time to grieve. Or the time to think. All I could do was
stare. Knowing that you let us go. You didn't even talk to me.
You just sent a messenger to do the deed. You couldn't face me
and I now know why. Because you knew I wouldn't forgive you.
Not for the things you did, or are doing. I'll keep your memory
alive in a little box. Right next to the letter I wrote, that said I'd
never let you go. I cry my eyes out when I read that letter.
Because I now understand what pain is. What it is like to lose
someone so close to you, you die inside. It showed all the love
I felt, and how much I cared. It showed how much pain and
longing I was in, because you were riddled with disease.

Some times I can close my eyes when the wind is blowing and
I feel you here. I feel your hands against my face. And I shudder
with agony and fury. Wanting to blow you away. I wish I could
forget. I know you know that. You always did. At least people
can find forgiveness, but I can't. I remember what you were like.
And, what it was like to be in your presence. It was the most
beautiful thing ever. We used to tease that we were more like
soul-mates, then we were with our soul-mates. And that we dreamed of each other so often it made my heart leap with joy. You were my twin. My mother, my sister. My friend. My lover without having to be a lover. You were also my mirror. You were so like me and I like you. I used to be so happy that we found each other. That fate would bring you my way. But as fate goes you have left me. And I feel a bitterness I tried not to feel. I really tried to forgive you. To let go all of this pain. As the days pass and I remember. I grow more furious, more in pain. The tears become less and less, and I remember what its like to feel so alone. Its like reaching out to
a ghost that was never there. Just fresh in memory. Like a bleeding
wound. I find it funny, that I can still write this letter. I've been
thinking it for so long, that I never thought I'd have the strength to
say these things.

But I'm no longer afraid to hurt any ones feelings, or offending anyone. Because I know what you caused, and I know the pain I feel. And all that matters is that I let it out. I let it out after a year and some months. I feel relief, that I don't rely on keeping your memory alive. That I can get through the days without feeling like I'm missing a part of me. You knew this. You feared me as much as I feared losing you. You used to know me, and I you. But the days changed. So much changed and you just fucking let it. You left. Without saying goodbye, without once considering that I needed you too. I needed that goodbye like I need to breathe. No, no longer will I look back and feel as if you were the greatest
thing in my life. You were just a prelude, a person. Who completed me and then swept away like nothing mattered. I still whisper your name at night and hold the blankets as if you will appear. I used to feel you. I used to know everything about you, but you pushed too far away. Why didn't you say goodbye? Why didn't you let me know. Why'd you let go thinking I'd be okay. You told me everything, everything you didn't even tell others. You let me know your secrets and we were content with that. You were a part of me. You were so god damn much. That I regret you.

Because all you brought was pain. And love, and laughter. You left..
You left me, without thinking to say goodbye. You knew, I know you
did. You knew with every breath you were taking that you were leaving. Yet, you never once talked to me again. You never took the time to say goodbye. I can't forgive you for that. Not this time. No, I can't ever forget. But, never.. can I forgive.

Dear,
          you

You stopped existing.
Were you even here?

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