Denim Blue and I Love You's



I'll drown myself in shades of blue
and hope I can find the words
to describe what beauty is and what deception is
but all I can think about
is dipping my finger in some venomous acid
and fingerpainting lies and horrible creatures with
mean staring eyes
all over this paper
in hopes the next time he looks at me
I could show him this
and he would fall sick
and say sweet things in his sleep.



Like he always does when he is in a deep sleep.



I've never been beautiful
like he tells me I am before I go to sleep at night
I've never felt as elegant
as he makes me out to be
and I've told him time after time
that he is just wasting his time....
wasting his words on me,
but he never really believes.



Blue was always such a pretty color,
such a pretty word
that I have never been able to mimmick
even with my hardest tries,
blue was always pretty....



And I was not
and I told myself this time after time
and I never believed him
when he said
when he says that
I am pretty.



He sugar coats his "I love you's"
and wraps them up in pretty silk bows
kisses the corner and smiles as he hands it to me
as if I really deserve to have him,
to hear those simple words
come from his lips
the three syllables
he seems to put special meaning into
with every time that he says it.



Dips my heart in chocolate
with his green eyes
and smile.


And I'll sing chicago songs through clenched teeth
force smiles on my face and force my heat to melt
just for him..... all just for him
time after time,
I'll make my heart beat twice as fast
so that the color will return to my face
and make it look like I am blushing
make it look like I deserve his words
make it look like I deserve to be loved...



When really I never did deserve his words
to be called beautiful
I really am not beautiful...



Blue was always such a pretty color
every shade of it
I'll drench myself in blue
any shade of blue
and maybe I will be beautiful,
but I doubt it will happen.



These heart pounding moments,
they never seem to end
they just drag on for what seems like hours
and he.... he never seems to stop
complimenting me
shoving his sugar coated "I Love You's"
into my face.



He really does think I deserve them
because we argue for hours about it
almost every day,
and he tells me that
I am pretty
and that I deserve the best
and that even though I may not think that
I do...



I'll softly whisper the words to songs....


"Don't look at me,
I don't want you to see me this way..."


I'll sit here and let my heart bleed
onto empty pieces of paper
and let him think its art,
let him think it is beautiful,
when I know that it is not.



I think one day
I will try to hard to be beautiful
and I will explode
and my final masterpiece will be
the partially painted heartbeats
with bits of black ash covering what I really feel.



Blue was always a goregous color
and I paint my nails in a dark shiny shade
to try to make myself feel better,
to make myself feel I deserve what he gives me...



I think my heart would stop
if he stopped wrapping everything he says
in silky bows
with every time he says I am pretty,
so I'll continue to smile through clenched teeth.



"Cause I can't go on
will you still love me
no I can't go on
just say you'll love me
(oh I can't go on)
stay around
you'll never be alone"



Blue was always a pretty color
that deserved to be recognized for what it was
and I...
I never deserved to be called pretty
never deserved to feel the way I feel
when he says those things....






But I guess
I am pretty enough to take them to heart
and drizzle my own "I love you's"
in vanilla frosting
and hope for the best
when I hand one to him.










** the first set of quotations are from the Chicago song Look Away and the second set of quotations are from the Chicago song Will You Still Love Me**

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