I'm writing on without a clue as to what to say.
I don't care, and I know no one else will either.
Alone, like always, I scratch off the seconds.
Just a count down to death, like everything else.
High blood pressure continues to rise.
It feels like a bomb, subtle and idle.
Yell at me again.
I need something to add to my list of reasons to leave.
Haunt my waking hours.
I need another reason to try and fall asleep forever.
I piece the walls together, brick by brick.
I'm still trying to figure out why some bricks don't fit.
I've held lives in my hands.
Made mistakes that threatened those entities.
Never did I feel as distraught than when a brick won't fit.
Too many bad days.
Too many wishes for good days.
Good days are far and not enough to be few.
I use to say bad days make you appreciate the good days more.
I think I lied.
Relics lay wasting in a broken down house.
One of many dilapidated castles I long to burn away.
Fire throughout the countryside.
Leading to the fading away of broken memories and misguided tears.
Little victories in life make me feel like god.
Too bad I'll never get to know what god feels like to be god.
I sleep alone at night.
I stay alone in the day.
Running away from opportunity.
I make things worse for myself.
Even the pillows I cling to at night seem to be wriggling away.
I stare at children.
They'll never know how good they have it.
Not until they're older and depressed.
Happy for no reason.
I used to have minutes like that.
I accepted I wasn't good enough for hours.
Now I long for a single second of smiling.
I'm unfeeling.
I don't care anymore.
I try to.
But the bad days outnumber the good.
The other day I almost went crazy.
I tried to fathom infinity.
No end to growth.
No end to division.
I tried to figure out where we are on the continuum.
I saw this as proof that no one and nothing matters.
We're all part of a cycle like it or not.
No matter what happens within the cycle it will repeat.
I convince myself of a reaosn I dont' smile anymore.
I know the truth.
There's no reason to even try.
Nothing is worth it.
Nothing deserves appreciation.
I gave help.
I was laughed at in my time of need.
Too many dead hugs.
Too many phantom laughs.
Too many bad days.
I have yet to find anything thing good again.

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