It fucking sickens me sometimes to know how selfish human beings can be.

If i were to try and kill myself again, no one would save me. No one ever has. I've always had to save myself.

If i were to swallow a bottle of aspirin and then puke out my stomach lining in the middle of a shopping mall, i would be very shocked if anyone would actually do anything. After all, why should they care about another human being? There are more than enough people on this planet anyway. Survival of the fittest, and all that shit.

And if anyone were to call for help, it wouldn't be out of compassion, out of sympathy, out of love for their fellow man. It would be out of guilt. It would be only to satiate that disgusting human need to not feel like things are our own fucking fault.

Or, possibly out of pride. After all, everyone wants to be the one to save the depressed teenager. To say to their grandkids "I saved someone's life once." It makes them seem like such a good person, when in reality, they're a fucking self-centered, worthless piece of shit, just like everyone else.

And when i talk about suicide, all that anyone can say is how selfish it is. You may be ending your own pain and suffering, but what about everyone else's? What about your friends and family, and how much they'll miss you when you're dead?

Fuck you.

You people don't know shit about me. No one could ever understand how horrible and disgusting i am, how much of what i am is just another god damn role i play so that i won't feel like i'm fucking crazy. No one seems to see that i'm not happy, i'm not sad, i'm not angry-- i'm just a fucking monster.

I'm sick of fucking hurting people, and that's why i tried to kill myself three times. Not because I'm in pain-- i'm not so stupid as to think that any pain i am in isn't my fault, or at least well-deserved. If i really hated the pain that much, i could get anti-depressants very easily. You know that you can get them prescribed to you online now?

I don't want the pain to go away.

I don't want to feel okay about all the shit i've done to everyone around me.

All i want is to stop hurting people. And the only way to assure that is to get rid of myself completely. And yes, i know that it would hurt everyone.

But at least it would be the last time.

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