Yells
Screams
Tears,
coarsing down my face.

You go quiet

You once told me that when you get really mad,
You dont speak,
For fear that you
Will say something
That you will regret.
Later

I sniffle
My eyes blurred
Stare at you
on the couch
curled up in a ball
facing away from me

I hate when you go quiet

I can take when you yell
I know you dont mean
Half of what you say

But you have gone silent

I wont get a word out of you
Not til youve calmed down
and it hurts

I know youre not
But it feels like Im being ignored
brushed off
"oh well..."

But in my heart
I know youre listening
as I sob
and whisper your name.

Then I deside to do something stupid
something I promised you Id try not to do
because Ive done it before
and you say it hurts you
more than it hurts me

I go to the bathroom
open the medice cabinet
pull out the blades
you use in your favorite razor
the old one
that you brag is from before WW2
The one your great grandfather wouldve used

Those blades
are thin
and sharp
and when they cut
its almost painless,
at first.

But when the blood wells
the sweet sting begins
and I sigh
because it feels better
then the throbbing
in my heart.

I watch the blood
slip down my the side of my leg.
I watch it
the steady,
crimson
stream,
And I wonder
if youll notice.
I know you will,
But I lie
and say you wont.

I feel a little better.
Youll be mad when you calm down and look at me.
but right now,
I lie to myself
Because I really dont want you to see.

I clean up
when Im done
Alchol and toilet paper,
(no infections here)
and flush it away.

Clean the blade
and put it back

I was never there

My kiss with death
I try to keep it secret

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